LIFE N' THOUGHTS

MOMMY'S VISIT

2010-07-26T14:05:00.004+05:30

Mum visited me after a long time, and life got interestingly busy. I am now suffering from MODS…i.e. Mommy Overdose Syndrome. While over the years I have aged, I marvel at the fact, my mum has not…every morning I would wake up…and there would be a race to the kitchen… Mum would always win…and then the tug of war would start, she would want to cook for the day…………while I wanted her to relax. The early morning marathon would tire me but not her, finally reasoning helped, but for a few days..till she announced…her limbs were going weak…because of lack of exercise, in other words she needed to work.... so.. I felt I had joined the Day Care....and was under constant Mommy Supervision….

Life for a few days became guerilla warfare. Surely the hand that rocked the cradle was now ruling my turf...and I had no right to complain. I thought my years had taught me a lot, but mums visit made me realize how much more I had to learn. Never did she miss a chance on giving me a piece of advice....and to my horror I realized I needed the so called piece of advice on every thing.

We went to buy vegetables...and there she was taking out so called Fresh onions,[???]. I normally buy the big sized, so there is less to peel,but here was Mommy digging out all the medium sized ones.....before I could start peeling I already was misty eyed.

All the clothes needed to be ironed by my Iron Lady, besides me the Dhobi[washerman] was also jobless...my yells would make her quietly sneak away with the damp clothes to the ironing board..and there she would be humming her prayers , raising her brows telling me not to disturb her in her prayers…….I could see she was having a great deal of trouble with me in trying to set the errant child right…somewhere deep down I am sure she was enjoying it….And I too was enjoying saying my silent prayers that the years had not slowed her down.

Then there were the never ending visits to the temples….Every God needed to be pleased so that her brood of children and their extended family could be prayed for….Happiness insured for her children in her own way....[I guess I can now sin for life.] I in the bargain also got to discover some beautiful temples…loved the architecture of the Kumbharia Jain temple at Ambaji…the beautiful marble carvings, the peace and the serenity…and the look on my mums face shall always stay with me.

We took a trip to Somnath, something she wanted to. The short holiday did us good. My weight loss plan went to the bin....I always thought being a mother, she understood my unspoken...well she gracefully ignored it... my No’s fell on Deaf ears...I needed to be fed not overfed. Anything that she found tasty had to be fed to her new found Guinea pig..... Me.

The endless stories about life and relationships lived, the gone and the alive…She had so much to tell me, share with me...relatives I never knew existed, were alive in her conversations…and I silently thanked my stars she was not born in the days of the Mahabharata....

The short trip came to an end, and it was time for Mum to go. I am back to my life and she to hers…a warm gush of emotion spreads when I think of all the unselfish day to day things she at her age still does for me and my siblings. I would catch her looking at me and all I could see was pure love.

Everything that she could do for me she did, but she forgot one thing...............sing the lullaby

HAPPY ANIVERSARY.......

2010-06-22T14:18:00.001+05:30

32 years ago, my mum said….in a marriage do not look for Him, to be the right person, first be the right person…Profound words which at 18 did not make sense to me, but always stayed with me. The journey of a new life that I took with Joe has grown step by step, and it is 32 years today……….Life indeed has come a long way…

We had an arranged marriage, but love blossomed with the years sometimes knowingly sometimes unknowingly…its been an adventure we set out on together, discovering each other, loosing one self, sounding like an enemy at times, we met with life’s incidents, some we turned into disasters, some we managed to take lessons from.

Sometimes we went our own separate ways, but realized that all the paths we took finally did lead to each other... We tried changing each other and over the years realized, that unknowingly we had adapted to each others way. Some times my ego took a bashing and sometimes his, but silently the ego was sacrificed…to each of us, our inner worth was visible, taken for granted at times, but at other times respected.

When did we stop asking each other for our best, to giving each other our best, speaking our mind…knowing the other will understand the feeling behind the harsh words? Words that shall not create tension or conflict but harmony, we have learnt to understand the unspoken behind the spoken. From feeling some days how can I live with him, he has become the person I can not live without.

The vows we took 32 years ago have matured slowly, the vows alone have not held us together for 32 years…it’s the little and big incidents, its standing together shoulder to shoulder when life gave the chills, yet giving each other space and independence. With eyes wide open and half shut at times we continue this journey of life………As somebody rightly said………. We have come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly

WE MOVED..............

2010-06-11T13:55:00.004+05:30

We...Joe and Self moved to Gujarat, Ahmedabad. Moving for sure is no more simple. All my life when we were in the Defence,it was easy, every two years or so, very rarely less,we would set to do our share of Bharat Darshan, see new places, make new friends, making a home every where we went, leaving a part of our heart behind. Then changed countries, got back to where we felt we belonged.

This move from Bangalore to Ahmedabad has been tough more so with the heartaches the packer and movers gave us.Broken stuff, delayed delivery etc.it had it all.Aggarwal Packers and Movers never again.

Landing here the heat hurt, but the atitude of the people, warmed us. This city rocks.I get a pleasant surprise every day.Broad roads, no power cuts, running water and so very gracious people. After having lived in these so called cosmopolitan cities Delhi, Chennai, Bangalore....the 'Autorickshaw walas'were a compete NO, NO....I never had the will or energy to travel in them. Joe would always end up taking them to the Police Station, what with faulty meters, excessive fares, and Bad attitudes. Here they let you sit in the AutoRickshaw first, and even if one has to travel half a mile, they willingly take you and yes all through the meter reading. Not one Auto wala has said faulty meter...I salute this breed of Service Providers.
'Ben' [Behen, Sister]thats what everybody calls you, I am actually starting to forget my name......

I now understand what a good Govt. can do...From one BJP run state to another I have come.And what a difference,no half a day power cuts, no narrow roads, no traffic jams... if this is what India is capable of, if this is what Growing India is,....I am so proud to be Indian.I love this place already.

POLES APART........YET TOGETHER

2010-05-19T13:17:00.004+05:30

Today is one of those days when I am truly wondering. Why did God make Husbands? Much as I love, respect Joe, there are days like today that I encounter and ponder on the same question…. From Newly weds we have become Old weds, galloped, walked, trudged 32 years together, yet am astounded by the number of times I have felt Oddly wed.

Do we really suit each other I ask Joe...and he says…Yes, actually more, if you had been the Neighbors wife...And I really do feel that I should seriously live next door.

Sometimes, I wish that he dance to my tune, than I to His….and then I realize we end up dancing to the duets we create.

We have an argument, and he says lets not go to bed, being mad at each other…and I want to retort back..... Yes, Joe I would love to stay awake and fight and resolve issues, but then I sleep off…over the issue as well.

I say Joe, you never listen to me. And he replies of course I do, how else I would reply to this…… [Sigh]

Joe you do not understand me, I say……and he says, No, I do, that’s why I am going for a walk.

Joe how can you always forget such small things…and Poonam how can you remember such small things and get mad… [I am stumped]

I say Joe, will you ever give me a surprise….and he says.... I am surprised, knowing me you still are looking for surprises….

Poonam what do you understand about money or finances…..how to spend it Joe, I say…..

I was looking for you, he says and I say Look after me, but please do not look for me, when I am gossiping with friends over the phone…. [Always falls on deaf ears.]

And so the journey together continues........
Me looking for him to change, and he wondering why did I change.
Sometimes I wish he would talk, and sometimes I am glad he is silent...
He looks at the world with eyes wide open and me with eyes half shut,
He leaves the windows open when goes to sleep, and I draw the curtains,
He looks at the big picture, and I look at the little things…..

Two sides of the coin we are, thankfully the same...

EXPECTATIONS .......

2010-05-13T21:11:00.005+05:30

What is with life and relationships these days? Everybody seems to be embittered.
Why are we so high in expectations on everybody else but ourselves? Nirupama Pathak was a case in point which really got me thinking about relationships between parents and children…this relationship for sure is going through a transition, and maybe vanishing with uncertainty and expectation.

We keep saying the modern generation children are failing their parents……why do we not think once that are parents not failing their children too. Why do we parents give our children wings, when we ourselves have not learnt to fly yet? Should we not as parents fulfill our own expectations of ourselves than start expecting from our children. So bound are we parents by our own values, our beliefs that we at times refuse to make the change in our attitude to life.
We give our kids the best of education, wanting them to excel in everything in life, always wanting them to do the right thing, hoping, praying that they imbibe by the values we set for them, setting high standards for them …thus doing everything right in life…and we as parents forget…that they are human beings in their own right, they shall make their own mistakes sometimes unobserved in life’s fast pace, and maybe learn from those mistakes. Much as our life is ours, their life is theirs too.

In life most of the things we do is because our parents did it that way, or so is the norm of the society...the society which too is formed by us. We parents have become Modern…but we have also become skeptical. We feel, our way is the best, no other way shall work for our children. So firm are we in our mindset that any other way but ours brings us disappointment. Our expectations have to be met in a set way…or else it shall only bring us disappointment…forgetting that expectation is not meant to be without disappointment. Instead of being so sensitive to our own needs as parents should we not just let them make their mistakes, [No, I do not advocate sex before marriage, or teen pregnancies and all other choices that the younger generation makes.]
But should we as parents try not judging them and do what we as parents can do best…give them love especially when they donot deserve it,give unconditional love so that no young life is lonely in their darkest hours of crisis.

DISCOVERING MYSELF..........?

2010-04-28T12:50:00.003+05:30

Today started off as any other day, but as the clock ticked away the hours, the mind weaved its thoughts, and I realized Today was not like any other day. Outwardly nothing had changed, the changes were within me.

Off late my mind asks me questions that I wonder if I will ever have answers to.... What am I striving for, What do I want to learn before I die, What is it that I am searching for, What do I seek to embrace, What if I get lost in everything and never find Myself………Do I really want to discover myself, Do I really want to get lost in all the questions my mind asks , Should I flee from my mind or just get lost in it all?

Discovering myself, is a journey I donot want to embark on. Much as I need to find myself at times, I discover myself through the relationships I have developed, the self that has been created by the people around me. As I look back on life, I discover that that there are major opinions that I have acquired, some beliefs I have discarded, some I have adapted to, some mysteries of life I have ventured into all by myself, but found answers to{?} because of the people, the relationships around me. It is through my relationships that some days I encounter my self, and then I feel am born yet again. And at times like these I act like Columbas.Just when I think I know myself, life changes and I react like a stranger to what it throws at me. Discovering myself is indeed puzzling…I ask myself will I ever come face to face with myself?

Is there any part of me that hasn’t been altered, stayed unchanged? Why is my own self so hidden from me? Discovering myself, is it really worth the effort? Will I ever find my own answers or will I keep discovering myself through my relationships?

If I know the real myself, will I love Myself or run away from it? Knowing myself is indeed not only a difficult task but an inconvenient one too. Maybe, one day my self examination would give me a true picture of Myself, or maybe I shall never Discover Myself, but I know I shall discover the person I wanted to be…and so I shall come face to face with Myself.

HOMECOMING..........

2010-03-13T11:53:00.004+05:30

I have been away for 6 months, visiting my children, playing with my granddaughter...and now am back home...flying back I had this incredible feeling, and the exhiliration that I was feeling then..did not stay once I reached home...my home was just a house made of bricks, walls and beams.

They say home is where the heart is...and my heart, emotions were all left behind in Canada where my children reside.My feet had left them but not my heart.....even though living in their homes, I was so much at home..it was alive with my loved ones...my granddaughters present connected me to my past when my kids were her age..how good it felt....their growing years which were hard to bear at times, were so sweet to remember...the past and the present had so beautifully blended for once.

I have settled in.....some days I live more in the past now, the fun times I had with my family, and I am gradually turning this house with beams into a home, filling it up with dreams......and soon my home is where a few days ago my house was....I love this place, even though it has just two people...It has strong affections, it has a soul, from a quiet home it turns into a nursery, when the thoughts of my granddaughter take over...I tell my self I have travelled from home to home...not where my heart is but with what is in my heart...

DIVINE CHAT........MY FIRST FORWARD IN 2010

2010-01-06T21:42:00.003+05:30

I have been away from my blog world for too long....miss it, but am busy being a full time grandmom for now, busy capturing the joys and wonders of my lil granddaughter Meher.In the colds of Canada, she spreads so much warmth just by being herself........and I am just so happily busy in her little world...which is mine also for a few months more...and then my friends I shall get back to blogging, catching with the family that I created with all of you.......A VERY HAPPY SATISFYING 2010 TO ALL OF YOU.

God : Hello. Did you call me?

Me: Called you? No.....who is this?

God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

God : What are you busy at?

Me: Don't know. But I cant find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.

God : Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this next era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Me: Why are we then constantly unhappy?

God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.

Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.....

God : Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life becomes better not bitter.

Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God : Yes. In all terms, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why cant we be free from problems?

God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading

God : If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

God : Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Me: What surprises you about people?

God : When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me". Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here? I cant get the answer.

God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it.

Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Me: How can I get the best out of life?

God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.Prepare for the future without fear.

Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I now have a new sense of inspiration.

God : Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

DEATH AND GRIEF

2009-06-24T12:21:00.002+05:30

The last month has been a difficult one. A very dear friend lost her 22 year old son in a freaky road accident. Logically thinking about the way the accident happened, confirms only one thing, that he was destined to go, his time sadly was up.

Even though grieving for the loss with my friend, I can think rationally, resist tears, behave well socially…but when my friend questions why…I sadly have no right answers. All I do then is be with her sometimes letting my silence be her strength hopefully and some times sharing our sorrow with words….knowing all this is inadequate.

Since her grief is so fresh, any attempt to divert her I notice only irritates her….In her sorrow at times I feel totally incompetent.
And then I sit there, with my own mind busier than ever, telling myself…..Death of a dear one, surely does leave a heartache no one can heal….But then mourning for a loved one, surely is not the end of a relationship, their absence is met every living moment. We go from loving them in presence, to loving them even more in absence.

Khalil Gibran has so rightly said….When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. The truth in this one statement makes so much sense. We embrace the memories of our lost loved ones so closely to our heart that we forget to embrace the ones alive.

We are all brought up knowing that the time of Birth and Death is not predicted. One who is born has to go…yet when the time so comes, we cannot even accept the fact, that the person we cannot live without has passed away…and we cling on further to our loss, turning our grief into our lasting companion.

Her strongest wish, urge, need everyday is to be able to hug her son , one last time…looking at her, empathizing with her, I wish…Death could be adjusted…But then life always does not offer a perfect ending………how can it when it does not have a clear beginning. Is life not about not knowing what is going to happen next?

JUST ANOTHER DAY...........

2009-05-27T13:59:00.002+05:30

It’s a new day…I am telling my self, but it just does not seem so….what’s with me, why am I like this? Just the beginning of the day and my thoughts are not too bright…I am sure this day is going to be longer than others.

I am focusing only on the gray in my life…....the gray like the cloudy weather shall pass on too and my energy, my flexibility shall come back, I tell myself.…I look around and I see only the withered tree, I look at my bedside table and see the withered rose from yesterday…...guess my lousy mood has come to stay for the day…

I try hard to smile it away…I look at the pictures of my children, randomly placed all over the house, snatches of the years gone by… …my moods I am trying to balance, trying to cross of the bad, the negative, trying to find something to smile, my thoughts waver….so I put on music……they say music provides you power…but here I am connecting my mood to the verses…..I am tired, miserable and edgy…the perfect person to stay away from, says my Husband .

I decide I shall be a couch potato today, so do some channel surfing…I look at the screen all pensive and in a vacant mood…. and see our PM…...poor guy he too is struggling to smile… what with all the arm twisting, he is surrounded by the so called selfless wanting to serve the country till their selfish needs, dreams, aspirations are met….These parties full of individuals, have been talking of bringing about positive changes in the country, but not in themselves. ..….I switch channels, and start viewing Hanstey Raho….and I finally smile when I hear….”People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke”

A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE............

2009-05-22T13:12:00.004+05:30

Standing in my balcony, I notice these three puppies playing, wagging their tails.…not one person has gone by without these puppies walking up to them, sniffing and wagging their tails and all the people passing by are giving them smiles …instant connection these puppies have made with their human friends. All they did is wag their tails. …in their language indicating they are happy…..and, these puppies have turned strangers into friends.

The guard trying to shoo them away is also doing it so half heartedly…he came to them with a frown, and now his frown is a confused one. Thanks to his unwilling smile.

And me, standing here, looking at them, am all smiles…these little puppies helped me start my day with a smile……a smile does travel a mile eh???

The normally grouchy old man sitting in the lawn reading his newspaper, I notice has pushed his reading glasses down to his chin, no more is he interested in the latest happenings in the world…but has decided to take notice of the happenings around him….and there, wow he too is smiling…the same smile like me… ….The puppies have discovered something of interest, and the old man has found the puppies interesting. He notices me watching from the balcony, and nods, and ….smiles. I smile right back, and I wonder…….Why is it that we are so hesitant smiling when all that a smile does …….. Inspire another smile

The warmth of old mans smile could not be measured, it started from his lips, reached his eyes and heart…and Unlocked my heart…..
…..it came from him to me, and went back to him…..

The puppies left, maybe to spread their warmth else where, and I got back to my own work….but the smile stayed. My husband walked in and gave me one look, and asked...What have you been up to…u are smiling for no reason ?.....and he was smiling too…….I laughed….my smile had just burst, and I said a silent prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to smile for no apparent reason… I should wear my smile more often…..the world looks brighter and my soul feels refreshed.

The grouchy old man…I know will never be grouchy when I see him next, the ice had been broken, the boundaries between us had melt…and the distance between two human beings had reduced…my day would sure end well, what with the power of smile, that the puppies in their innocence had bought to me.

MY SON…………MY SON SHINE.

2009-05-18T12:11:00.003+05:30

You are 24 today….Happy Birthday Son…….Time indeed flies…Gone is the mischief, your spider man antics, bruised knees, cut fingers, band aids, soiled clothes, ruffled hair, mischievous grin, Lego, bat and ball, hugs and cuddles, and tucking you in bed at night………..

Your growing years were full of exciting, funny antics….The times you were naughty, I could not even lock you up in the bathroom. The one time I did, u smartly started having a bath, singing at the top of your voice. All I could do then was laugh…
You my son, had learnt early to make the best of the worst…

Your dad was your hero, your favorite toy….you would jump on him, do cartwheels when in his arms, grunt like Tarzan and always wanted piggy- back rides. You wanted him to run with you, race with you, and he would mostly let you win just to see that smile on your face…and the times you would lose…..the smile was still there. And I knew then that my son you would take failure too in your stride…your joy at winning was not for yourself alone.

When out on walks by yourself, you always came back with those stray puppies…my lil pied piper walking with his army of stray dogs, all wagging their little tails, knowing they were invited for dinner…..you showed compassion and care at that young an age…and I my son would watch with mixed emotions and misty eyes, Knowing that you had it in you to grow up right.

You wanted to become a cop...That was your goal, and I watched you with pride giving your best to make your dream come true. You put in hard work, and all I could do was pray. A cop you have become, you have accomplished what you wanted.
I know for sure, you will be able to differentiate between right and wrong, show compassion to the old and tenderness to the young, and happiness and success shall always come your way.

I look at you, and I realize…Strong yet Gentle, Full of care and compassion, that’s you my son. You might not move mountains, or change the world…but you surely do get moved by life and people, and get touched by their struggles…and then yes, son, you make an effort to touch lives and change them for the better in your own gentle way. ….

From being a great boy, you have turned to be a great young man, outgrown my lap, but not my heart. As I sit and write this, I remember the years have gone by like moments. You are all grown up, but still my little boy. You still have the coooooool smile and the twinkle in your eyes.

Gone is the time when I could give you needless kisses, but son I can always say it aloud…I love you…honestly, madly, respectfully. I shed tears not of sorrow, but of joy and pride, for the wonderful, human being you have turned out to be. Life shall offer you dreams, worries, regrets, happiness ...and I know you shall take it all in your stride...

My regret today….no more hugs and wet kisses, messy nose, no cradling you….sometimes I guess you should forget how big, and tall you are and just get into my lap….Love you Son, for all that you are Today, and all that you will be Tomorrow…My son, My sonshine, My star……….

And just the other day I was reading my previous post

Time indeed does fly.

ART OF LIVING......MY WAY

2009-05-14T17:44:00.003+05:30

A friend of mine has been coaxing me into joining The Art of Living. Much As I respect the teachings and methods of such a course, I find no need to take it. To me the art of living can not be preached, but it can only be learnt and realized from within.

Living is an art, there will be stress, unhappiness, sadness, but then there also is joy, happiness, laughter and all that is positive to view. I myself have to have the mental and emotional clarity to be able to take the good with the bad, happiness with sadness, pessimism followed with optimism and so on.

Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. It is full of surprises, sometimes there is more sadness and less happiness, but then we have to know how to make the best of both. You have to be able to stand firm and take all that life bestows, the expected and the unexpected.

What is the Art of Living to me, I have been asking my self. Have I learnt from my mistakes? Am I a pessimist? Do I keep seeking more, than be satisfied with what I have…questions galore…but one thing I know for sure, I am mostly a happy fun loving person. I always find something to laugh about. If God was to ask me to make some changes in my life would I want to live this Life again……YES, I say. I have a few regrets, I would do something’s differently, but I would want to live this life again and again…..The changes I would make are within my own self, but not ever would I change my family, my friends, my life…I have it all…..am mastering the Art of Living. What does the Art of Living mean to me….in my Quest to understand myself……?

Art of Living to me is…….

Living one day at a time. I live to live, knowing one day I shall die. But as long as I am living, death does not concern me, because when death does come I shall not be alive. If I live well, I know I shall die well too.

I try not to cling on to the sadness more than I cling onto happiness. Happiness and sadness are like children, who you have to let go when they grow up.

All that I have today is, all that I had hoped for yesterday…….so I cherish my today.

When faced with sadness, deep within me I know Happiness shall follow, as I have seen in life the two always balance each other.

I have discovered the capacity within me to enjoy the simple things, feel deeply not for myself only, be needed, and give happiness when ever needed.

I have learnt to laugh at myself more than I laugh at others. My best jokes are directed at myself and this always gets me heartwarming laughter.

To me the art of living is to make the good out of the bad. I firmly believe that whatever happens happens for the best.

I try never to go to bed angry, resentful or mad. What comes with today goes with today. I do get mad, but I also get over it.

My ego. I have realized, always shuts me from people when ever it raises its hood. I am learning to surrender it. It can be big, but am learning to move beyond it. ..Relationships I have realized cannot be built and conflicts not resolved with ego.

The years in my life have gone by, but am glad I gradually learnt to add life to those years. When I look back, I know living has been worth while.

I am gradually learning who I am, and as long as I do not fully discover myself I am curious. But I know for sure my life does not belong to me alone. I am learning to touch lives with warmth and compassion. I do not want to exist, I want to live.

I have learnt to love solitude. When all is still, I feel no anxiety, loneliness. I look within and I feel more acceptance of myself. My inner peace guides me.

My friends and family I cherish, every interaction with them teaches me a little about myself, a chance to build myself as a better human being. They give me trust and joy and make my life rich and abundant.

My soul guides me and my heart tells me that if it is the source of worry, contentment also rises from there. The choices I make, the reactions I give, will define the human being that I am…Yes, am slowly but steadily mastering the art of living…my way at my pace. The overall picture of my life shall be the way I paint it. The way I live it.

A Viewpoint .... GOD AND TEMPLES

2009-05-08T16:16:00.002+05:30

This is in response to Solilo, who had responded to my previous post on Understanding ....

I had said I would publish THIS FORWARD...send to me by mom.

I am not a temple goer on a regular basis, but neither am I against it. To each his own...is my Belief. The ways to get peace of mind differ.

Kahlil Gibran has summed this up beautifully....“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of One Religion, and it is the spirit.''

The Forward....[source unknown] follows:

'Devotee' temple goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to the Temple . 'I've gone for 30 years now, he wrote, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 mantras. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Gurus are wasting theirs by giving services at all.

This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the editor.. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to the Temple for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today! When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!

UNDERSTANDING MYSELF THRU MY BELIEFS......

2009-05-07T16:08:00.003+05:30

Life has gone by, looking for answers, seeking peace, living up to expectations, trying to do the right thing... …I have always been bound by somebody’s wisdom, their theory, their belief, their opinion…making my life a mimicry of the ones who touched my life.
I am always trying to be the person I’d like to be, never taking a moment to wonder to think the person I am, who too was born with my brain, along with the face God gave me, wanting me to live my life the way I chose..

There is always a desire, to be in charge of myself, to be my own person. To discover am I more than I realize? One life is all I have. I believe in living it.
Before anyone else tells me who am I, I need to find out for myself. I need to see myself thru my own eyes than thru others. I do need to discover myself, take my life in my own hands and see what happens. So I shall try to discover myself thru My Beliefs…and shall pen them ….

Today…. My Beliefs on My God, My Religion….

I live life with God in every thought. He has no shape, no face, no Religion. He is there in nature, in all Human Beings. When I see Good I know He is there, when I see Bad and Evil, I know He shall come this way too.

My Religion is personal; it is a way of my life. Yet, becaz my religious experiences are in the form of liberty, faith, generosity, passion, compassion it is easier to express.

Religion to me teaches me to connect with my soul, that’s where My God resides. He is my inner voice, who guides me towards goodness and Righteousness.

My God always rewards me. There is no punishment. When ever I face any darkness in life, He rewards me with Brightness. Light at the end of a dark tunnel, is what My God holds.

My religion encourages me to Grow, so I question, and not adopt to any rationale blindly. With each perspective, I grow in vision and stature. It allows me to respect the views of others how ever different are they to mine.

My religion is always changing shapes, evolving, modifying, never complete or final. My religion and self grow together.

My religion is the recognition of all my duties. I may fail in them, but I never ignore them.

My God is my mysterious motivator. He encourages me to discover the best in the Today that he bestows on me.

My God is more devoted to me than I am to Him. He looks after not only me, but my family and friends. His hand is invisible, yet strong.

My Religion, My God, both reside within me. I do not need to discover them in Temples, Church, and Gurudwara etc.
They reside in my heart and my brain. What I cannot resolve with my brain, I resolve with my heart. They encourage me to love myself first, so that I can love everything and every one around me.
My Religion, My God is not lived through my words, but through my Life.

HEART VS HEAD

2009-05-02T20:41:00.001+05:30

My husband often tells me…Why do you think with your heart? Think with your head. Do not turn it into an emotional issue.’ And Now, my daughter tells me the same…’Ma, why do you always think with your heart? Their tone sometimes makes me feel guilty……all for being emotional? This heart vs. head battle is never ending in my house.

It’s not my Menopause that makes me all emotional…This Is Me. The facts of life make me all emotional….and sometimes I express them through my words, but at other times through my sighs, sounds, and mostly through my eyes, which get misty, teary, blurred.

My emotions are always very close to the surface. Is it because I think with my heart? - an organ that just pumps blood. If the heart is the core of human existence. , why do we give it less importance than the head? I think, express, emote, perceive all with my heart. My heart is never in sync with my head

So many times I have seen in life, what my head does not understand, my heart does. It does not ask for logic, analysis…it just understands. The spoken and the unspoken. And then I just act on what it says, sometime impulsively to others, but to me it makes complete sense and sounds right. I let my heart lead the way.

Why are emotions or feelings from the heart not considered logical? What is so ridiculous about thinking from the heart ? The solutions that the heart gives may not always have reasons, but it always does have actions, and more so positive. Because this is where care, pride, joy, love, gratitude nest. And these emotions exist noiselessly….. so quietly they grow with every heartbeat. They swing, swirl and tangle within the heart. The degree of these emotions cannot be measured like the knowledge of the head, but they help in creating the world around me. Only the thoughts from the heart can stir emotions which the head never can.

So Dear Husband and Dear Daughter, I think with my heart because….

My head can confuse me, but my heart never lies to me
My head can hide facts, but my heart exposes them.
My head governs my soul, but my heart connects to it.
My head may know too much, but my heart feels it all.
My head can get all hard, but my heart forever stays soft.
My head can build up words, but it is my heart that phrases them
My head can make me see all, but only the best is captured by my heart.
My head can sometimes make enemies, but my heart always makes friends.
My head can sometimes miss out on Love, but my heart forever conserves it.

Above all…..

My head can only capture images of you my most loved, but my Heart is where you live. While my head constantly worries for you, my heart silently prays. My head measures the distance in kms. between us, but my heart only sees the bridges, giving me the feeling of Oneness.
So my dears, I can ignore the reasoning of the head, but never the feelings of my heart. Yes, I think with my heart not my head…..it causes no discomfort. For me the feeling of my heart is the existence of my being.

THE POWER OF WHY ??????

2009-04-29T14:42:00.001+05:30

I am sitting in my balcony, watching the thunder showers, the palm trees swaying and feeling the drizzle on my face. I am letting all the beauty of nature sink in, capturing it with my eyes, in my mind. I love the rain, but I hate the mess, it leaves behind, the muddy water, the potholes full of water, the insects , the mosquitoes…..and I tell myself…Why, Why, am I like this, Why can I not look at the brighter side of life, and ignore the dark side. Life is so full of Whys……..and I ask my self...

Why….is it that sometimes, silence makes more noise than Thunder?

Why……do I think faster than I speak? My words never seem to keep up with my thoughts.

Why……do I see some of my friends who are so God fearing, humble, pious suffer?

Why……do I plan my tomorrow, when I try living everyday as my last?

Why……can I not take each day as it comes?

Why…….do I struggle to understand life in parts, when it must be understood in totality?

Why…….can I not be loved as I have loved?

Why……I love compliments, but do not know how to accept them?

Why……do I not accept things for what they are?

Why..do I see things more clearly in my dreams, than when I am awake?

Why… do I want to know all, when ignorance is bliss?

Why… do I get baffled by reality and difficulties?

Why….do I spoil what I have, by desiring what I do not?

Why…..do I look back on life and have regrets?

This constant hankering of Why is ridiculous. The more I seek for answers the more elusive it gets. Strange and paradoxical it is…..the heart asks and the heart answers. but why do I not get the right answers .Maybe, if I changed my attitude, I would view life differently ?

DANCE WITH ME ???

2009-04-20T22:37:00.002+05:30

With encouragement from Solilo, Just call me A.....Here I am, trying my hand at my so called poetry sgain...Like A said...Aim for the sky , here I am ....doing just that.

Sing and Dance with Me….
Will You?
Together we shall sway
To the tunes life plays

Me and You
Hand in hand,
Making life seem
Nothing But Grand

I shall be unselfish and Kind
And you forever shall share
All that’s there, on your mind.

Sharing Together we shall
Walk thru life,
You as My Man and
Me as Your Wife.

Dancing to each others tune,
We shall create a life
Filled with Love,
And Heavens shall smile
From above.

EMPTY NEST...............NOSTALGIA

2009-04-19T21:18:00.001+05:30

Living in an empty nest, sometimes my mind does drift on to the days when we had our house full, the days would fly away, what with my daughter and son around…where did the years go? How did time fly away so fast? I never saw the hidden wings of time and neither did I see the kids grow up to be adults.
While they were there, all the noise in the house would drive me mad…..and now when they are settled in their own happy lives and world…it’s the silence that drives me mad.

I miss the times when my now adult kids were kids, children living in their own free world. enriching my life, turning my smile into laughter. With them around besides being the parent I was also the child…..

Those were the days….I get nostalgic….
I remember the times, when I would take them to the park, in the merry go round, they would always wave when they crossed me, and I would always wave back…the sense of being acknowledged every time, was so momentous…My body was with me, but my heart was on that merry go round…..

And the piggy back rides….I was glad they grew up, for this ….and then I realized to my horror my 5 year old son wanted to take me piggy back…so there I was trailing on his shoulders, my arms around him, my legs dragging slowly, me all smiles and then he turned around and said the cutest thing……’’Mumma you are not heavy, I can carry you forever’’…

My little boy who till now I loved to carry around was getting to be grown up enough to shoulder me and the world….Happiness and joy soon was taken over by tears…My daughter watching me cry, just came and sat next to me and put her hand over mine…and I cried even more. When I looked at her, she patted my hand and said ….”Okay enough, now Go wash your face”

And then we had to teach them to ride a bicycle…..I wanted to protect them from the fall, so would always hold on to the bicycle and keep balancing …Till my wiser ones said … ‘But mumma, we have to be set free to learn to balance ourselves.’ One of those teary moments again, with the realization…that they shall forever need the support, but also the freedom.

Playing hide and seek was my favorite game, that gave me minutes to rest, unseen , in my quiet corner, so there I was behind the door standing with my eyes shut, and my daughter finds me, and says… “Why stand in a corner, if it scares you? Come hide behind the sofa.”

And the one time they were quarrelling ….I said “okay now”…my daughter interrupts and says … “yes, we will stop before you say 3”……She was an angel, who came out with questions , that made me fumble, and mumble…Everyday at the end of the day she would sum me up as mother…something I looked forward to, one day would end with me being the scolding mum, and the other day she would tell me you were a kissing mum today…..and one day she said Today you have been a scoldy kissy mum…I cherish this Compliment from my little one, who is now managing her own little one.

One time during the day, my little son had his pudgy arms behind his head, and he was just resting in that regal posture of his, with a very content look, which only kids can have. I walked past and asked him, ‘what are you up to….Mumma I am day dreaming’’ Dreaming with eyes open? I asked. ‘Yes mumma, it is day, so my eyes are open. You can do that too, sit here with me…..Wow, my son taught me, to dream with my eyes open…..and this realization was followed with another teary moment.

My faith in my son has remained unchallenged. He tells me...Mumma do not think I am simple and naïve, because you will get hurt otherwise……. [And I look at the handsome young man standing in front of me and think to my self…..My son , raising you has been most fulfilling, with you I played the games I never was allowed to as a girl, I being a woman lived your ideas, ambitions and aspirations…and stepped out into a man’s mind, his world…… All I did then was get up and give him my big mumma hug…only this time he was embarrassed……Yes, my son was grown up enough to feel shy with mumma hugs.

My little lady is a mother herself. She shares the squeals of her daughter with me and mine are mixed with hers too, making me happier than ever. My little girl, my gender partner, my treasure, my extension has grown up to be my best friend.....We are like two volumes of the same book……..

All this and many more, I have deposits in my memory bank. The kids have outgrown my lap, but not my heart. They say they are grown up….Yes, they have grown older, bigger, they are adults…..but they have always been my kids, and will be my kids. They were and are my greatest pride, accomplishment and joy.

The nest is empty, but the heart is full. And the mind, it is never empty; I am never alone in my thoughts. I love them for who they are and more so for what they have grown to be. We are chained with love…..only our language differs…it’s a full circle…. Now they speak from their mind and I from my heart. I cannot hold them in my arms now, but in my heart I always do.

YOU AND ME

2009-04-17T15:53:00.003+05:30

The days have gone by, and I have not been feeling too well.
Got up this morning, wanting to try my hand at poetry....The words came, all jumbled, Is it the medicines, or is it the fatigue I feel in my bones...but I did try to pen.....MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT POETRY, if it is one

Lying on my bed,
I stare at the ceiling,
The fan moving at its own pace
Never tiring…….

My sweat I do not feel
Eyelids drop
And I see you
Thru my blurred vision.

You stand there
Looking at me, smiling
Oh that smile, just meant for me

I close my eyes,
Wanting to capture you in them forever
And all I know is that it is just
You and Me, Together

I see us walking on the beach,
Our feet wet in the sand,
We watch the sunset, hand in hand

The sea breeze,
Sends chills down my spine
I am so glad you are mine

I open my eyes,
To see your gentle look
It’s all but a dream….
That I mistook………..

Living My Today.........

2009-04-07T12:27:00.002+05:30

I woke up this morning; Today……wanting not to repeat the same mistake as Yesterday………..so I decided to capture my Today , moment to moment., accept it as now, and not let any moment pass by.

Like I did it to my Yesterday, I decided not to devote it to any one thing …and so here I am ….all happy, not holding on to any dream, thanking God that I am alive to see my Today, with open eyes, something I rarely seem to do. I shall hold on to my Today with enthusiasm, living it with my best foot forward. Today……I will flow with the tide. Or against it…dancing with it….and see which way my Today sweeps me…..

I am going to treat my Today as the first day of my life…and maybe then I shall make the most of it for once, than letting it slip out of my hands, like I always have done.

Are these thoughts because of my Yesterday? A yesterday that went by and I did not even seem to notice. Will wanting to live my Today, contradict my Yesterday? Oh well I am not going to let my Yesterday, takeover my Today. …so beyond Today I am not going to look, and not loose it just because I have a yesterday, and tomorrow is coming.

Thinking of the unseen tomorrow,I get the blues. And I tend to get depressed when I think of Yesterday, gone by... I have spent life piling up so much on these two days, thus neglecting my Today. These two days together, have some how sapped my poor Today of its joys. And I have helplessly, unknowingly stood by letting my Today die, fly away with its unseen wings.

My Today is going to be my canvas, and I shall paint it with all the hues I hold. It shall live, for as long as I want it to, and so shall I with it…….

SOUL MATES.............

2009-04-03T12:00:00.010+05:30

Down the hill S went…..H followed

S like the dark clouds

H the rainbow behind them

‘I want to be you H’ said S

‘But why? Nobody would notice me, if not for you S

Together we are a roller coaster of emotions

So wherever you Sadness shall go, me Happiness shall follow’

My Second attempt at 55er. I am liking the attempt to say a lot with few words

A literary work will be considered 55 Fiction if it has:

• Fifty-five words or less (A non-negotiable rule)

• A setting,

• One or more characters,

• Some conflict, and

• A resolution. (Not limited to moral of the story)

[Image courtsey gallery.photo.net.In case of objection , image will be removed ]

FOOD .......FOR THOUGHT

2009-04-01T12:08:00.004+05:30

Do I live only to eat?????? I ask myself. Why is it that I must stop every once a while…and be a scavenger…looking out for food to eat, in the pantry,in the store, in the fridge….I look at the fresh red tomatoes, the carrots….and they all seem so inviting. I hear them telling me..I am tasty…u will love me, so take me please. And then as if in a trance...I move towards them...grab them and love them for being so right about them selves.

From the corner of my eye I see that pack of my favorite chips…nodding at me, and I nod back saying...yes it is your turn next…..but you shall have to wait, because I have to muster the courage to stop at one….
Why does my belly rule my mind, and why do I always get attracted towards food that is good for the taste buds only…phew...am a foodie sinner….I pick the wrong ones, the ones that are palatable.

I have noticed that when am munching those chips...I have this stupid smile pasted on me….its like the cat who has had her stolen pot of milk….And all my worries[?]…… they seem to be going down, with every bite….

Fruits I love too. They help me in dealing with my guilt with my love for junk food. I love the green sweet and sour apples, [really?, says Joe. but then love is blind, and am in love with food] the strawberries, wow, how can one eat them, when they look so cute and innocent, but I try,…The grapes, I pick them and love the green they have…..wonder if anyone has noticed, they have the best ones on top of the bunch, so I eat them top to bottom, telling myself that I have the best till the last

Some days I decide, it's health food day. I must eat intelligently. Especially on those cold wintry or rainy days, I get this thought…and so nothing means more soothing than a cup of soup…with French fries[?] or a hot cup of green tea…with nuggets{?}Hot baked vegetables……with cheesy white sauce {?}. Or just plain dal chawal....and fresh green coriander……..and ghee {?}

Opposites do attract…so why does cream come to my mind when I think of cherries, Fresh veggie sandwich and I think of honey garlic mustard with mayonnaise? No red meat…but white…with mashed potatoes. Wow…the thought of these nutrient rich fruits and vegetables… makes me hungry.

The diversity of food, has made living pretty easy...Food and everything related with food, I love... the fridge, the store, the kitchen, the restaurants, I love to cook as much as I love to be fed . I am an explorer of food…food keeps me happy and pleasant…and is that not what one aims for in life……Besides getting happiness from the variety of food. ..I feel great when I see the happy faces of my friends and family, all eating together, having wonderful conversations ….with laughter…food sure tastes the best at times like this…junk or nutrient.

Love of A Lifetime

2009-03-31T11:40:00.006+05:30

Love came to him, in the river.

She flowed towards him..........
All peaceful and serene.

He swam towards her.........
Knowing his love would last.

All that was unspoken ..............
would be in the past.

With the silent river she flowed ..........
towards the sea.

He drowned thinking................
this love was not to be.

Enjoyed doing this 55 er....

A literary work will be considered 55 Fiction if it has:

Fifty-five words or less (A non-negotiable rule)

A setting,

One or more characters,

Some conflict,

A resolution. (Not limited to moral of the story)

[The image above has been uploaded from Google Images Search.In case of any objection to its use to this post, it shall be removed.]

LOVE AND SORROW

2009-03-26T22:19:00.000+05:30

I read this beautiful, heartwarming post By IHM, on her blog. And then decided to reproduce this forward I had got. The source is of course unknown......It conveys a lot....one thing is for certain that birds donot differ from humans in emotions.....and its not only feathers that make a bird.......
Swallows
Here his wife is injured and the condition is fatal.
She was hit by a car as she swooped low across the road.

Here he brought her food and attended to her with Love and compassion.

He brought her food again but was shocked to find her dead.He tried to move her....a rarely-seen effort for swallows!

Aware that his sweetheart is dead and will never come back to him again, he cries

with adoring love.

He stood beside her, saddened of her death.

Finally aware that she would never return to him, he stood beside her body with sadness and sorrow.

Millions of people cried after watching this picture in America and Europe and even in India . It is said that the photographer sold these pictures for a nominal fee to themost famous newspaper in France . All copies of that newspaper were sold out on the day these pictures were published.
Do you still think animals don't have a brain or feelings?????

LIFE.........AND ME

2009-03-25T12:58:00.000+05:30

I just read this quote by Dr. Phil on my blog………'Life is a marathon, it's not a sprint'
Set me thinking........

Really………The meaning of life is different to each person…But To Me Life is …

Life is making mistakes, and learning from them
Life is not only being busy but also being able to do nothing
Life is being honest and fair...and yet also faking it at times
Life is sometimes easy, most of the times difficult. I have learnt how to glide thru
Life is made up of big sorrows and small happiness. The small always outweighs the big.
Life is living your dreams, and sometimes chasing them
Life is never the life we imagine, we just keep moving towards our imagination
Life is supposed to be short, but never long enough to pursue our dreams to our hearts desire
Life always gives situations, easy to get into, but difficult to get out of
Life is making plans, but getting surprises.
Life is full of dreams, but demands action
Life is not only wanting happiness, but also giving it
Life is full of passion, and understanding of joys and sorrows
LIFE IS LIFE……SPRINT OR MARATHON…..
It just is worth living...and I make it so, I choose to look for the rainbow behind the dark clouds, I look for the smile that follows the tears. I think of my friends, who brighten my being; I cling on to the memory of my children, grandchildren, to keep the child in me alive
I decide to live it as new everyday….I laugh and breathe life. I am my own spectator of my own life..................and I love living it.

I Love Being A Woman

2009-03-24T12:53:00.000+05:30

A friend of mine is visiting me, and while having one of our many heart to heart conversations, she surprised me by saying …If there is rebirth; I want to be born a man, and not a woman. And I thought to myself…no, I love being a woman and I would love to be born a woman again. I have been pondering ever since - what is it that makes me feel like a woman, what does being a woman mean to me, and above all why do I love being a woman.

Being a woman is a difficult task, more so in today’s world. No more are we put on a pedestal, but we have to combine marriage, children, home, and a career. Nobody wants to hear what we think; we cannot have a career unless it is for the financial stability for the family. In spite of the fact a woman is called “Ardhangini” once married, we still have to find ways to express our self. In a patriarchal world, finding one's voice is difficult……but we manage fairly well.

There is so much to being a woman…..monthly cycles, while a man would struggle with it, we women have learnt to accept it willingly, becaz that’s tied to the most beautiful experience...childbirth..Our greatest achievement.

And the other great achievement is … we willingly accept we are weak [though the feminists would disagree] but weak we are maybe only physically…Our inner strength, resilience, ability to laugh even when hurting inside…. letting our tears flow freely, and also be able to giggle uncontrollably…..all this comes so easy to us. What would the world be, but cold and impersonal but for our feminine touch?

There is so much to being a woman…and yes I love it all. My moods, my ability not to understand it all, my quirks, and my ability to keep quiet even when I know it all. When I am depressed I eat or shop, I have learnt that nobody shall give me power, I just have it within me, and I make the choice not to take it... Oh yes, I am full of contradictions, and yet I can get away with it all. I have not made the rules [they say men have] so I do not have to live upto them.

I can be beautiful, be an illusion, wear my tears like a piece of jewellery, hide my brains, speak the language of silence and say it all, my touch is better than a bandage at times[ say my kids], my instincts are better than my reasons, my weakness is also my strength. I know less but understand more, and I always have the last word. I as a woman can say sorry with my smiles and tears. My strengths - even though hidden, have their influence. I have the power to make life and above all to make it worthwhile….yes I love being a woman. The list is endless...And so I love being a woman, and yes I would love to be born again and again as a woman.

A Void Forever.....

2009-03-16T15:58:00.000+05:30

Death….sure is a cold word…leaves u all numb, the pain never easing. Two months ago, my dearest friend passed away tragically in a road accident…My mothers words Ajay is gone, still ring in my ears. Never did I realize that grief could be so raw, so crippling and disabling .The raw power of my emotions amazed me..

Life has not been the same ever since. I live but do not feel alive; hours have turned into days and days into months…. I want to move on, but simply cannot.
I don’t want to forget Ajay, but I do not want the remembering to be so painful too. The times that I laugh, and am happy, I feel guilty. I ask myself have I moved on so fast, and then I am wrapped in grief again. Nothing can justify the fact that he has gone, missing, disappeared from my life…..
Questions, questions and more questions is all I have….Where is he now? Is he alright? Was his passing over painful? Why is he gone, and why am I still here? Can He see me and hear me? Does he know that he is missed?why why why…and life is so full of why?

Just when he was learning to live, he died. And so did a part of me. With his death I too have lost the opportunity, to sing, laugh, cry, and share with him. And all I am left with is this cloud of grief, the weight of which I cannot measure. Life indeed has been altered forever.
My well wishers keep telling me…you will get over it, time is a big healer. Will I? How? Will the gap, the hole I feel inside me ever fill….I guess not, because that was the place he made in my heart. .....

A Matter of Choice

2009-03-10T11:35:00.000+05:30

I got this Forward From a friend.....and thought of sharing it with all. Some of us must have read this earlier......makes interesting read.

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: 'I am blind, please help..' There were only a few coins in the hat.man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.
The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, 'Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?'The man said, 'I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.'What he had written was: 'Today is a beautiful day and I cannot see it.'
Do you think the first sign and the second sign were saying the same thing?Of course both signs told people the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?
Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.Invite others towards good with wisdom. Live life with no excuse and love with no regrets. When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.
Great men say, 'Life has to be an incessant process of repair and reconstruction, of discarding evil and developing goodness…. In the journey of life, if you want to travel without fear, you must have the ticket of a good conscience.'
The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Me and I......

2009-03-05T15:48:00.000+05:30

My Favourite person is My Me these days…but with my limited talents, my Me is showing signs of boredom. Thus I’ thought it would be happy to give My Me company

While I is getting all busy trying to find ways to amuse My Me….Me would rather have no I. Me knows this I can really get irritating not only for oneself but also for others. With this I coming in the way of My Me,...there are going to be problems, it can get into your heart, your being and your brain….and if that happens My poor Me is going to be so vulnerable, it is going to get hurt and messed up. This I will make Me feel stupid, and no different than the ones Me wants to stay away from.
Me is petrified, terrified because this I is gnawing at it slowly, it shall make Me do something dumb one day.Once I gets inside Me, it shall take Me hostage. This I can develop so many different personalities That Me shall be lonely.
I wants to be acquainted with Me.And by doing so it can tell Me about aspects that puzzle Me, I would give Me power, the tools to survive. Me then wouldn’t have to lock itself and be scared.
The tug of war continues…I wants to touch Me. Me does not want to be paralyzed.

Me is born to learn to grow, to expand, to create and to enjoy. With I , Me would loose itself. Me was not born to be perfect but with I taking over, all Me would get is imperfection.
I will change Me, and that shall make all the difference.

ME.....My Mothers Child

2009-03-02T16:32:00.000+05:30

Am visiting my 74 year old mum, and in my mums adult world..I at 49 am the child. I am loving every minute of being the child…my mum has decided that I need to be fed, shopped for, need to get a haircut, and of course need to have the vitamin supplements too. So my mum has her hands full..
Day 1 and am having so much fun being the child, …I am listening to all that she says now, without questioning, showing more acceptance to why she says what she says. Am back to my carefree days, with no responsibilities.My life’s day to day problems are being worked out by her. All I do is lie in bed, chat turn and go back to sleep. The days are back to being nice and good, doing nothing has not tired me yet. I look at her and once again wonder how she can do so much at her age….and if as a child just a kiss from her would take the pain away, now its just her loving look that takes it all away.

I am finding so much pleasure in doing these simple things with her. We went out shopping yesterday, or should I say my mum took me shopping. and like a little kid there I was telling her what I liked and what I wanted, my wanting a beige suit got me a magenta becaz beiges are meant for the old like her[and I smiled ,secretly telling my self, I would have never worn this , if mum hadn’t bought it for me].Like kids we had chaat papdi…mine was restricted to 4 becaz I could come down with a bad throat what with the change in weather…and also becaz I had to have the kulfi falooda ..so that as that….Her enthusiasm on being a mother has caught on…I want to play along with her, skip down the street and run against the wind, and I have this funny look about me.
True to being a child, I realize I do not have a past or a future only a present. At that point of time, I was neither a wife, a parent or a grandparent, I was just my mothers child…my smile was a source of joy to her….
The day went by,. and I discovered for my self that to all we were two women shopping, but to myself I was a child on a day out with my mother. I knew how to be childlike without being childish.
Late at night when I finally got into my bed , my mum said ,”what is a home without children” and I hugged her and looked at her to say something…and my mum said” I love you too”……..and I went to sleep thinking…Only a mother Understands what a child does not say

What makes ME HAPPY.....Part 1

2009-02-28T12:19:00.000+05:30

"what makes me happy…..and that’s what my next post is going to be on……"

Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me...I am a happy person...I am happy for all that God has given me, and also Happy to be Me. I see the people I luv, and my face lights up, I see the videos my kids send me of themselves and My lovely grand daughter and I smile foolishly, start imitating her gurgles, and the computer screen gets all messy what with my sudden need to just plant her face with kisses, the tears get mixed with my slurpy kisses and I feel relieved, thankful, grateful for life and its blessings.

The joy of being alive catches up.....I feel love for everything around me, and I also feel luv for myself. Looking into the mirror was always a glance, but now I make time to look at my self, and I smile. to myself.....It makes me happy that I am alive, to have experienced life the way, I have...I feel like the chosen one, to have experienced extreme sadness and then, so much joy, and I luv the person life and circumstances have created by becoming the Me I have.

So what makes me happy besides my family and friends and all the people who have touched my life in their special way, besides all that God has given me, besides the life I have...am going to try listing them....

It makes me happy to look at myself and know that I am beautiful on the inside too, and I do not need validation from anybody.

It makes me happy to not let my husband complete his sentence; his frown follows with the realization, that I just completed what he wanted to say. I luv that look, of his.

I am happy talking to myself, knowing I would not be interrupted, and thus sharing my concerns with Me.

I am happy at the fact that I have not let the child in me die...it gives me much joy and happiness whenever it visits me.

I am happy acknowledging the mistakes I made in my life..They have shaped "the Me".

I am happy with the the relationship I am developing with myself. It too has become as challenging and significant as the others I have.

I am happy being the woman I am; knowing I shall never be perfect.

I luv the fact that I am learning to ignore people who make me feel bad about myself. It’s their free time, if this is how they want to put it to use... so be it.

I happy at the fact of not knowing where I am going in Life; Life shall take me there………

[that’s it for now, more shall follow, as my quest for happiness..is never ending.]

WHY????????? THE NEED TO DISCOVER ME

2009-02-27T12:08:00.000+05:30

"my Me is growing, wanting more for itself, already getting greedy….but still loving myself. "

I have lived life, dancing to its tunes, moving with the rhythm, sometime flowing with the tide sometime against it, but have survived it all. There have been times when I have felt restless, scared, and emotionally so insecure…and then have felt this desire to break free, and be my own woman, my own person.

I am troubled by my own mind, by my own thoughts..Why do I feel this need to be my own person, why am I feeling this way? My husband has always encouraged me to be a person in my own right, but there have been times in life when I have let go of my own belief and followed what has been expected of me. It might not have been the right thing I would have done, but I sure did what was expected of me. I did it not becaz I wanted to, but it did make people around me happy. I did care about their judgment more than I cared for my self.

Deep down I still care about what people think of me, I want to always please them….But now I also want to please myself, I want to unlock all the doors to the person in me, to the woman in me..There is so much within me that is untouched. Midlife crisis it sure is not, while to others that’s what it may seem.

I am trying to evaluate my own thoughts, why this sudden need to be happy with my self for myself, and also by myself. Like most of us, I too have always depended on others for happiness. Their responses to my acts have given me happiness. But now I am going to stop looking for validation. Just for the fun of Being Me ...I shall play along to my own inner voice and the reactions it gives to certain situations and emotions…I shall try listening to it and may be follow it…I might rock the boat I sail in, but that’s a chance I want to take..And I will becaz I have to know for my self who I am.

Discovering my own Me…this thought is so exciting, fresh and maybe radical. But then that is the only way I can acknowledge the Unique ME. I am more than I know myself to be…..and I shall discover that for myself, for Me… I am just very very curious. If I do not find my Me, I shall create it, and may be then I shall discover myself….

{It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes me happy…..and that’s what my next post is going to be on………}

I LOVE BEING ME........

2009-02-26T21:37:00.000+05:30

I turned 49 yesterday, and wow what a 49 yr. old I am. I woke up in love with myself with the Me, that I had nurtured for 49 years…what a Me …I love it as much as I love the Us, I so much believe in. The Me had taken a backseat after I got married, everything I thought of was all about him [my husband], his beliefs, his wants, his dreams, which in my mind had converted to our beliefs, our dreams etc. etc. I spent 30 years of my life believing this, and never regretting it, nor do I now….I spend so much time trying to improve myself for the better, always trying to do things that would make my family happy, like most of us. Never finding anything wrong with it, because my upbringing taught me that it was the right thing to do, to put others before myself, and if I did not do it this ‘right way’; that was being selfish. And selfish I am not, but was I all selfless….not really.

It’s been a long journey in rediscovering my Me. My own daughter tells me, ‘Ma, live for yourself, which means self care, it means love yourself, preserve yourself, becaz u deserve it’ ….so on my 49th Birthday…..I gifted myself my Me. I made a promise to myself that I must value myself as a human being, maintain my dignity first, and also respect my limitations as a human being. Half my life I have spent living the role that life chose for me…living it to the best of my ability and capability….and now I owe it to myself too…Is this a turning point in my life, I wonder…..No, not really…..I still believe in all that my Us taught me to believe in, but I also now believe in this one more fact…..my Me.

Am I growing old or am I growing wiser, in wanting that I respect my emotions, my mental well being? The negative emotions that I feel need to be addressed too as much as the positive emotions. I am going to spell them out too, not caring whether they sound right…..they are Mine, So I am going to address each feeling as it comes…..I have started my path on self love. My sense of humor has made me laugh at myself as much as I have laughed at the good, the bad, and the ugly that has come my way…..and my thought of wanting to love my Me, made me giggle…..Ha, Ha…..

I am still a wife, a mother, a Grandmother, a sister, a daughter…and I am also Me…..oops….should this not be vice versa….Does it matter ..no, becaz my Me is also in each of these relationships…..they are becaz I am ….. (I just changed this from….I am becaz they are)…….my Me is growing, wanting more for itself, already getting greedy….but still loving myself.

My Siblings To Me..........

2008-12-06T00:49:00.000+05:30

While friendships come and go, the relationship between siblings is permanant.I got to choose my friends, who are always there for me, and ThankGod for them and for me choosing the right ones....but my siblings I never did get to choose, and thats what is so unique and precious about this relationship.What was common to us when we started our life was only our shared family identity.
But as we grew older, there was more to this sharing than just family identity.
I share with my siblings,[ a brother nd sister] an emotional bond that has only grown stronger with times.Among us we have lifetime of stories, laughter , tears, fights and hugs, all which have helped us strengthen our bond. We have build our relationship inspite of our disagreements, distance, family commitments.
If I have, besides my relationship with my parents, this is the only relationship that i have taken for granted.I have always admired the way my brother and sister have stood by me in times of my emotional, financial or anyother form of need. They have been my pillars of strength in my time of need.
As adults we have each taken extra efforts to establish a respectful and loving relationship with the spouses of eachother. This has further strengthened our bond.Though of different tempraments we fit together.
My sister was\is the peace maker, the simple one till today. My brother and self were and are a team.We as children were always protective about our sister and that hasnot changed.He and self are so emotionally aligned that the feeling as long as we are together, we can fight anything has stayed, making life easier to live during stressful times.
Though each one of us have dealt with our childhood in different ways,my siblings have in a way shaped me to be the human being that I am.I am forever Thankful to my Parents for having us.Their lives were not easier then but they made life easy for us...just by giving us one another.
And in todays world all that is spoken about is having just one child.....it amazes and saddens me.
I reflect on the fact at this age what my siblings have contributed into shaping me....The social skills that i acquired from my siblings extended beyond the four walls of our home.It influenced my interaction with my peers.I realized very early in life that my negative behaviour was accepted only at home and my peers would reject that. The art of giving , sharing came easy to me.Also I learnt to enjoy others moments than just mine. .....We laughed for\with eachother than At eachother. In our low moments we cried with and for eachother....we expressed our anger, annoyance and irritation without holding on to it.Despite our individual struggles, triumphs, joys, tears our relationhip runs deep
I read somewhere.....Your siblings are your co-voyagers....how true. My journey in life would have never been so comfortable and enduring but for them, ..my brother and sister.....we are together for better and for worse

Why Marry Asks My Son ?

2008-12-05T01:04:00.000+05:30

Times have indeed changed, and Everytime Ibringup the topic of marriage to my son,He asks but Why Marry? What does marriage have to offer that I cannot achieve.And Isay why not?
When I got married, this question never crossed my mind. While growing up, I had always been told that each person is only half of a whole, and to feel whole or complete one has to marry.It was the done thing, the only right way to get children into this world, so that our generations would continue.Marriage also to me meant more independence, as I would be an equal with my partner, have my say, my abode..it was all about my, and then it was us.
I was not told that only marriage challenges you to better yourself.It also gives you companionship, and the warmth of knowing that there is someone who is always there to be there for u just as you are there for him, He is as committed to the same challenges as you, and besides the commitment, intimacy there is companionship.
The response I get from my youngson is..I have it all without being married. I have friends and I have a pet, who is always there to welcome me when I get home, he gives me unconditional love and my friends are there to challenge me to better my self.
I fail to give him a rational reason, a reason that would make sense to him to reamin into a commitment that lasts a lifetime.To him what is accepted is enjoy the relationship for their natural duration than be in it when it gets painful and causes emtional havoc.I tell him, a married person is always learning, learning to love somebody more than his own self., He learns to give without being asked, and thus gets hapiness .He says I donot need anybody to make me happy, happiness is within me.....
My conversation with him continues, yet ended on this very familiar mothers tone..You can spend your life alone or with someone you love and who loves you.To me , as an outdated parent, person to the young of today..the reason remains the same..it makes you think beyond yourself, it helps you learn more about yourself everyday......and so our conversations seem to go on and on..............

MOTHER/DAUGHTER.....INLAW OR OUTLAW

2008-11-28T10:10:00.000+05:30

This category of relationship is really unique…truly one of a kind.When you marry you become a family in more ways than one. While, all other kin relationships are bound by blood, this one is bound by marriage, and comes with giving respect and a code of conduct, and above all with a lot of expectations more so for the women…If one is fortunate enough to have a welcoming extended family, there could not be a greater blessing, but if your inlaw relationship is strained it could lead to a shaky marriage.Whether we like it or not, this is one relationship, that can either put pressure on the relationship, or be the biggest support.Getting along with your in laws especially the mother in law can be the biggest challenge of married life
Every woman I know walks into a marriage knowing that your inlaws are the people who raised your husband who also happens to be the man, you love too..But sometimes even this one major factor is not enough to keep peace.While for many these situations are exaggerated , for many others it becomes a major problem to deal with daily. Why should there be a problem in the first place???????But there is….I guess the expectations of the roles we define in our minds for the ideal Bahu, Sister in law, etc. is what kills the relationship, and if it does not kill it, it weighs it down for sure.The pre conceived notions about an ideal daughter in law has killed the relationship even before it has started.We forget we got an individual , who shall fit into the required role in due course.Accept your daughter in law for who she is.Give first Than expect.Guide her along than expect her to know how to do everything the way you did

The man I feel gets squashed in between this tug of war….Son/Husband But then it is the man[ who is now a husband too]who sadly is the only one who can bridge the two. Sadly many men miss out on this one important thing..While the girl leaves behind her family to make a new home, the man continues being a son, a brother alone and forgets he has a new role assigned to him that of The Husband….He is the only one who can make his wife be understood and his parents get respect and civility they truly deserve.

For the parents I guess it does get difficult to let go off the man/son they raised. You have raised your son and now someone else he has got into his life with your blessings has to become a priority .This new couple needs to adjust to one another first, understand their differences let go off their individual lifestyles, needs and make adjustments to run their relationship smoothly. Often the in-law relationship gets better with time, but if it’s been quite a few years and things have not changed, I guess they never will. You can not make them love you, understand you if they do not want to…so all one can do is change your reactions, the years have gone by and they will go by. No relationship is designed to perfection and so neither is this one. Every woman who becomes a mother in law was once married to someone’s son too,…………all it takes is a little thought and a whole lot of love …both ways.

Its A son..oh boy??

2008-05-29T22:10:00.000+05:30

My family was finally complete when our son was born, was it easy having him…oh no. while he was all excited to view the world, my doctor and self took all measures to hold him in my womb. Every month was full of stress, he would kick, move, jump..All to get out and be held at my bosom…but it was too early, so I went on bed rest. Holding him close to myself, and praying. God please take care of my baby. and my daughter adding up… it has to be brother[bhai] ur tummy jumps too much….she wanted a brother so much and we wanted a healthy baby, since nothing was going right with this pregnancy. And finally in my eighth month, after our tug of war, stay in, no want to get out. my child won and …Our son was born….I saw him, with the cord, his frail chest pumping, up and down, like he was trying to breathe and sound his arrival to one and all…and suddenly with all the energy he could muster…he made the sweetest sound in the world. That first sound shall always stay with me. He announced his arrival in such a grand regal way, I got to hold him but for a mt., before the nurse put him in the incubator. Please pray for him is what the Dr. said. And I did, but I also knew. my son would survive it all, he wanted to be with me and was thus always in a hurry ….to be held by me, to be beside me….to make my family complete, my world complete…
My lil frail child was soon adding pounds much to our joy, and he was oh boy????All that energy, that mischief. He was forever in his own magical world.
Our home peaceful and serene with our prim and proper daughter was now hit by a tornado. Gone were dolls and colours, now there were cars, jeeps and Lego blocks.
If a broom could make the witch fly, why could he not do so, If a clown could have multicolored faces he must too. Our pet dog Tootsie was his energy tester, he would sleep beside him, hold his tail to take him on his toes and balance him. His world was complete with his simple vocabulary….ma, for mamma, da for dada, di for didi[elder sis] and C for Tootsie.
He related to my husband for the thrills boys needed. My husband a pilot always had to tell him how he flew his sortie. Air crashes he wanted to know all about and always felt the thrill to the word Crash…often wondering if his dad would ever crash. He looked up to his father as all boys do for how to interact with others, and I knew my husband was, is a good father and the best example for my son to follow in life. But me, as a mother I had a role too, to teach him how he should treat a girl right, to respect women, so that he nurtures better relationships. But my baby at that age was past understanding my worries. So simple and make believe was his world which had excitement and thrill only. No sadness no tears, only the fun of living at his pace.
Our abode where nothing was out of place now had sticky fingers on walls, rugs and pillows. Life was not the same there was too much activity…but there was also lots of laughter, love and mischief…My world was complete, there was a sense of balance. Having a daughter and a son had given me the sense of completeness I wanted.
Watching my kids hugging each other and sleeping without any worry and fear, my lips would say a silent prayer.
Their innocence and joy I knew would not last, as they would move in
Life to make their place…while their world would grow, mine always will be limited to them.

my child, my teacher

2008-05-12T12:48:00.001+05:30

The first eye contact with my child is something I will always cherish. Her lips had formed the letter O, and her eyes held mine for sometime, as if telling me…. So I belong to u, I am an extension of u. My eyes had got all misty and hers seemed so much focused on me. All that innocence, the look of bewilderment has always stayed with me…and then as if her look tugged my face towards her. I gave her my gentle kiss on her tiny lips. My world seemed so right, so perfect. All the physical and emotional pain was taken away with that one look. In that one look I had a new word to me..MOM.
From a day old she turned to be a month old, the months kept adding and I felt more love than I could possibly know. The days were busy days, but they were filled with laughs and smiles, she was there to command and I was there to obey. Her simple needs and wants were spoken in her unique way. Whimper when uneasy, laugh when happy, rub your eyes when sleepy, and wake up with a stretch and smile. Her needs were few and so basic. There never was a dull moment.
My amazing lil being grew to be six months old, and she wanted to explore the house on her plump lil belly. I never understood what did the trick for her to flay her arms in the air, push the floor with her tiny feet and waddle, and then she would preen at something on the floor… which would follow with a laugh from within. My lil one gave me my first lesson…I learnt to laugh from within, life was full of surprises, and every surprise had to be greeted with bewilderment and laughter. My precious gift from God was unknowingly becoming my teacher.
The months were turning into years, and my lil one was Columbus every day..on her own discovery, of her territory , where she saw no dangers, no fear…..and she showed complete trust in my husband and me.
Shapes, figures, flowers and trees, the sky and water all that I had learnt to view in my way was not mine anymore. I saw them thru her eyes, our bewildered looks were so alike. She would pick up a pebble and wanted me to feel it, how could a pebble be soft on one side and rough on another.She would climb afew steps and leap into our arms, there was no fear and total trust that she would be held safely.
I looked at my precious child, who had started her life’s journey with happiness, trust and no fear……something that in my adult years I was seeking .I too as a child must have had all this, when did I let it all go…..the world through my child’s eyes was once again a nicer world. The sense of awe, bewilderment and sheer pleasure of being alive has stayed with me. Life I do not anymore take for granted……..my first borne lesson to me I have treasured.

Understanding Life

2008-05-12T12:48:00.000+05:30

When i was young my mum told me this....God gave you this life so that u could grow your soul...and one can do this only with one's goodness and values. As i moved ahead in life trying to understand it and grow not only in years but also as a human being, did this one statement start making sense.I got married at the age of 18, my dream world was left behind and i walked into a new home with a new meaning to life. I learnt to accept responsibility of the relationship i had walked into. I started living life the way i was expected to, making my new families beliefs, wants, dreams my own. Was it easy ..oh no? it was like peeling an onion everyday. Discovering something new about the relationships that i had, I in turn started discovering my self through my reaction to situations. Sometimes the peels would make u cry but life continued. Soon i had my first born,then onwards, everyday, everything was a miracle, childbirth in itself was one.Life started being lived. I was learning to live outside myself without even realizing i was doing so.Each tommorrow was becoming so different from a yesterday lived.When i laughed at the new joys life was offering i laughed like hell. My onion had a new peel, i discovered the tears were shed with joy. Life looked different through my own eyes. I started unconsciously figuring out what i wanted to be as a parent, my mom's saying then came into being..i was hoping to elevate my soul, and i started living inside this hope.All because i wanted to make life worthwhile for my daughter..it had to be contagious..for her to be able to see everyday as new day..Life was coming to a full circle. I was learning to make a life not by what i had got, but by what i was giving. The journey of self discovery continues...Each day is finally being lived like it is my last..the way my mum wanted me to, the way my daughter could follow if she chose to.