HEART VS HEAD

My husband often tells me…Why do you think with your heart? Think with your head. Do not turn it into an emotional issue.’ And Now, my daughter tells me the same…’Ma, why do you always think with your heart? Their tone sometimes makes me feel guilty……all for being emotional? This heart vs. head battle is never ending in my house.

It’s not my Menopause that makes me all emotional…This Is Me. The facts of life make me all emotional….and sometimes I express them through my words, but at other times through my sighs, sounds, and mostly through my eyes, which get misty, teary, blurred.

My emotions are always very close to the surface. Is it because I think with my heart? - an organ that just pumps blood. If the heart is the core of human existence. , why do we give it less importance than the head? I think, express, emote, perceive all with my heart. My heart is never in sync with my head

So many times I have seen in life, what my head does not understand, my heart does. It does not ask for logic, analysis…it just understands. The spoken and the unspoken. And then I just act on what it says, sometime impulsively to others, but to me it makes complete sense and sounds right. I let my heart lead the way.

Why are emotions or feelings from the heart not considered logical? What is so ridiculous about thinking from the heart ? The solutions that the heart gives may not always have reasons, but it always does have actions, and more so positive. Because this is where care, pride, joy, love, gratitude nest. And these emotions exist noiselessly….. so quietly they grow with every heartbeat. They swing, swirl and tangle within the heart. The degree of these emotions cannot be measured like the knowledge of the head, but they help in creating the world around me. Only the thoughts from the heart can stir emotions which the head never can.

So Dear Husband and Dear Daughter, I think with my heart because….

My head can confuse me, but my heart never lies to me
My head can hide facts, but my heart exposes them.
My head governs my soul, but my heart connects to it.
My head may know too much, but my heart feels it all.
My head can get all hard, but my heart forever stays soft.
My head can build up words, but it is my heart that phrases them
My head can make me see all, but only the best is captured by my heart.
My head can sometimes make enemies, but my heart always makes friends.
My head can sometimes miss out on Love, but my heart forever conserves it.

Above all…..

My head can only capture images of you my most loved, but my Heart is where you live. While my head constantly worries for you, my heart silently prays. My head measures the distance in kms. between us, but my heart only sees the bridges, giving me the feeling of Oneness.
So my dears, I can ignore the reasoning of the head, but never the feelings of my heart. Yes, I think with my heart not my head…..it causes no discomfort. For me the feeling of my heart is the existence of my being.

A Void Forever.....

Death….sure is a cold word…leaves u all numb, the pain never easing. Two months ago, my dearest friend passed away tragically in a road accident…My mothers words Ajay is gone, still ring in my ears. Never did I realize that grief could be so raw, so crippling and disabling .The raw power of my emotions amazed me..

Life has not been the same ever since. I live but do not feel alive; hours have turned into days and days into months…. I want to move on, but simply cannot.
I don’t want to forget Ajay, but I do not want the remembering to be so painful too. The times that I laugh, and am happy, I feel guilty. I ask myself have I moved on so fast, and then I am wrapped in grief again. Nothing can justify the fact that he has gone, missing, disappeared from my life…..
Questions, questions and more questions is all I have….Where is he now? Is he alright? Was his passing over painful? Why is he gone, and why am I still here? Can He see me and hear me? Does he know that he is missed?why why why…and life is so full of why?

Just when he was learning to live, he died. And so did a part of me. With his death I too have lost the opportunity, to sing, laugh, cry, and share with him. And all I am left with is this cloud of grief, the weight of which I cannot measure. Life indeed has been altered forever.
My well wishers keep telling me…you will get over it, time is a big healer. Will I? How? Will the gap, the hole I feel inside me ever fill….I guess not, because that was the place he made in my heart. .....

I LOVE BEING ME........

I turned 49 yesterday, and wow what a 49 yr. old I am. I woke up in love with myself with the Me, that I had nurtured for 49 years…what a Me …I love it as much as I love the Us, I so much believe in. The Me had taken a backseat after I got married, everything I thought of was all about him [my husband], his beliefs, his wants, his dreams, which in my mind had converted to our beliefs, our dreams etc. etc. I spent 30 years of my life believing this, and never regretting it, nor do I now….I spend so much time trying to improve myself for the better, always trying to do things that would make my family happy, like most of us. Never finding anything wrong with it, because my upbringing taught me that it was the right thing to do, to put others before myself, and if I did not do it this ‘right way’; that was being selfish. And selfish I am not, but was I all selfless….not really.

It’s been a long journey in rediscovering my Me. My own daughter tells me, ‘Ma, live for yourself, which means self care, it means love yourself, preserve yourself, becaz u deserve it’ ….so on my 49th Birthday…..I gifted myself my Me. I made a promise to myself that I must value myself as a human being, maintain my dignity first, and also respect my limitations as a human being. Half my life I have spent living the role that life chose for me…living it to the best of my ability and capability….and now I owe it to myself too…Is this a turning point in my life, I wonder…..No, not really…..I still believe in all that my Us taught me to believe in, but I also now believe in this one more fact…..my Me.

Am I growing old or am I growing wiser, in wanting that I respect my emotions, my mental well being? The negative emotions that I feel need to be addressed too as much as the positive emotions. I am going to spell them out too, not caring whether they sound right…..they are Mine, So I am going to address each feeling as it comes…..I have started my path on self love. My sense of humor has made me laugh at myself as much as I have laughed at the good, the bad, and the ugly that has come my way…..and my thought of wanting to love my Me, made me giggle…..Ha, Ha…..

I am still a wife, a mother, a Grandmother, a sister, a daughter…and I am also Me…..oops….should this not be vice versa….Does it matter ..no, becaz my Me is also in each of these relationships…..they are becaz I am ….. (I just changed this from….I am becaz they are)…….my Me is growing, wanting more for itself, already getting greedy….but still loving myself.