Remembering Mumma

Last year this month this day, mumma passed away. A Year has gone by slowly steadily….and with her passing I, like many have kept her alive in my thoughts. In the silence of the night when all is still, my mind has been on a marathon of a kind…..embracing her within me with the passing year was getting easier, as was taking a walk down memory lane, a regular regime in my time alone

The details of that last day are still so vivid…me holding on to her cold self, yet feeling her still exuding warmth. The endless kisses I bestowed on her, breathing into her trying to let her know one more time that I love her…the feelings of fear, of having to live life without her, and not knowing how….the things that I wanted to say, and things that were said. The unbelievable love I felt along with the unimaginable pain….with reality dawning and darkness descending…and sitting there I, mustered the courage to send this one word message to her grandkids…GONE. The saddest word which summarized a whole life…

At that point living with so much pain didn’t seem possible. I looked around to see people who had experienced the same loss before me and marveled at their strength, yet wondering all the while if I would get through life in my present emotional state….Yet here I am with the hours of grieving having turned to days, months, a year it is. However a part of me is still raw and aches within me…Life is going by.

Death does change everything and time really does heal nothing. The year has gone by missing the sound of her voice, the warmth of her embrace, the wisdom in her advice, and craving to be in her presence. Her absence has made me realize how much she was to me... I have regrets yes many. Taking her for granted, of not helping her more than I should or could have when she toiled for us. Rebuking her for worrying for us endlessly…Yes I took all my time with her for granted, thinking there would be more time…and here I am now wishing one more moment, one more day one more hug knowing it will not be.

Yes I am learning to push through it all. Learning to absorb the grief. Adjust to life without her and accept the truth of her not being there… and maybe a day shall arrive when I can or maybe I can’t, I simply can’t.

A woman of steel, yet so soft within her…Yes I do inspire to be her. Old as I get, there are moments I still need her ….Holding her close in my heart I live. I am because You were