Saturday, February 28, 2009

What makes ME HAPPY.....Part 1

"what makes me happy…..and that’s what my next post is going to be on……"

Many people see my constant, happy smile and make instant assumptions about me...I am a happy person...I am happy for all that God has given me, and also Happy to be Me. I see the people I luv, and my face lights up, I see the videos my kids send me of themselves and My lovely grand daughter and I smile foolishly, start imitating her gurgles, and the computer screen gets all messy what with my sudden need to just plant her face with kisses, the tears get mixed with my slurpy kisses and I feel relieved, thankful, grateful for life and its blessings.

The joy of being alive catches up.....I feel love for everything around me, and I also feel luv for myself. Looking into the mirror was always a glance, but now I make time to look at my self, and I smile. to myself.....It makes me happy that I am alive, to have experienced life the way, I have...I feel like the chosen one, to have experienced extreme sadness and then, so much joy, and I luv the person life and circumstances have created by becoming the Me I have.

So what makes me happy besides my family and friends and all the people who have touched my life in their special way, besides all that God has given me, besides the life I going to try listing them....

It makes me happy to look at myself and know that I am beautiful on the inside too, and I do not need validation from anybody.

It makes me happy to not let my husband complete his sentence; his frown follows with the realization, that I just completed what he wanted to say. I luv that look, of his.

I am happy talking to myself, knowing I would not be interrupted, and thus sharing my concerns with Me.

I am happy at the fact that I have not let the child in me gives me much joy and happiness whenever it visits me.

I am happy acknowledging the mistakes I made in my life..They have shaped "the Me".

I am happy with the the relationship I am developing with myself. It too has become as challenging and significant as the others I have.

I am happy being the woman I am; knowing I shall never be perfect.

I luv the fact that I am learning to ignore people who make me feel bad about myself. It’s their free time, if this is how they want to put it to use... so be it.

I happy at the fact of not knowing where I am going in Life; Life shall take me there………

[that’s it for now, more shall follow, as my quest for never ending.]

Friday, February 27, 2009


"my Me is growing, wanting more for itself, already getting greedy….but still loving myself. "

I have lived life, dancing to its tunes, moving with the rhythm, sometime flowing with the tide sometime against it, but have survived it all. There have been times when I have felt restless, scared, and emotionally so insecure…and then have felt this desire to break free, and be my own woman, my own person.

I am troubled by my own mind, by my own thoughts..Why do I feel this need to be my own person, why am I feeling this way? My husband has always encouraged me to be a person in my own right, but there have been times in life when I have let go of my own belief and followed what has been expected of me. It might not have been the right thing I would have done, but I sure did what was expected of me. I did it not becaz I wanted to, but it did make people around me happy. I did care about their judgment more than I cared for my self.

Deep down I still care about what people think of me, I want to always please them….But now I also want to please myself, I want to unlock all the doors to the person in me, to the woman in me..There is so much within me that is untouched. Midlife crisis it sure is not, while to others that’s what it may seem.

I am trying to evaluate my own thoughts, why this sudden need to be happy with my self for myself, and also by myself. Like most of us, I too have always depended on others for happiness. Their responses to my acts have given me happiness. But now I am going to stop looking for validation. Just for the fun of Being Me ...I shall play along to my own inner voice and the reactions it gives to certain situations and emotions…I shall try listening to it and may be follow it…I might rock the boat I sail in, but that’s a chance I want to take..And I will becaz I have to know for my self who I am.

Discovering my own Me…this thought is so exciting, fresh and maybe radical. But then that is the only way I can acknowledge the Unique ME. I am more than I know myself to be…..and I shall discover that for myself, for Me… I am just very very curious. If I do not find my Me, I shall create it, and may be then I shall discover myself….

{It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes me happy…..and that’s what my next post is going to be on………}

Thursday, February 26, 2009


I turned 49 yesterday, and wow what a 49 yr. old I am. I woke up in love with myself with the Me, that I had nurtured for 49 years…what a Me …I love it as much as I love the Us, I so much believe in. The Me had taken a backseat after I got married, everything I thought of was all about him [my husband], his beliefs, his wants, his dreams, which in my mind had converted to our beliefs, our dreams etc. etc. I spent 30 years of my life believing this, and never regretting it, nor do I now….I spend so much time trying to improve myself for the better, always trying to do things that would make my family happy, like most of us. Never finding anything wrong with it, because my upbringing taught me that it was the right thing to do, to put others before myself, and if I did not do it this ‘right way’; that was being selfish. And selfish I am not, but was I all selfless….not really.

It’s been a long journey in rediscovering my Me. My own daughter tells me, ‘Ma, live for yourself, which means self care, it means love yourself, preserve yourself, becaz u deserve it’ ….so on my 49th Birthday…..I gifted myself my Me. I made a promise to myself that I must value myself as a human being, maintain my dignity first, and also respect my limitations as a human being. Half my life I have spent living the role that life chose for me…living it to the best of my ability and capability….and now I owe it to myself too…Is this a turning point in my life, I wonder…..No, not really…..I still believe in all that my Us taught me to believe in, but I also now believe in this one more fact… Me.

Am I growing old or am I growing wiser, in wanting that I respect my emotions, my mental well being? The negative emotions that I feel need to be addressed too as much as the positive emotions. I am going to spell them out too, not caring whether they sound right…..they are Mine, So I am going to address each feeling as it comes…..I have started my path on self love. My sense of humor has made me laugh at myself as much as I have laughed at the good, the bad, and the ugly that has come my way…..and my thought of wanting to love my Me, made me giggle…..Ha, Ha…..

I am still a wife, a mother, a Grandmother, a sister, a daughter…and I am also Me…..oops….should this not be vice versa….Does it matter, becaz my Me is also in each of these relationships…..they are becaz I am ….. (I just changed this from….I am becaz they are)…….my Me is growing, wanting more for itself, already getting greedy….but still loving myself.