Saturday, December 6, 2008

My Siblings To Me..........

While friendships come and go, the relationship between siblings is permanant.I got to choose my friends, who are always there for me, and ThankGod for them and for me choosing the right ones....but my siblings I never did get to choose, and thats what is so unique and precious about this relationship.What was common to us when we started our life was only our shared family identity.
But as we grew older, there was more to this sharing than just family identity.
I share with my siblings,[ a brother nd sister] an emotional bond that has only grown stronger with times.Among us we have lifetime of stories, laughter , tears, fights and hugs, all which have helped us strengthen our bond. We have build our relationship inspite of our disagreements, distance, family commitments.
If I have, besides my relationship with my parents, this is the only relationship that i have taken for granted.I have always admired the way my brother and sister have stood by me in times of my emotional, financial or anyother form of need. They have been my pillars of strength in my time of need.
As adults we have each taken extra efforts to establish a respectful and loving relationship with the spouses of eachother. This has further strengthened our bond.Though of different tempraments we fit together.
My sister was\is the peace maker, the simple one till today. My brother and self were and are a team.We as children were always protective about our sister and that hasnot changed.He and self are so emotionally aligned that the feeling as long as we are together, we can fight anything has stayed, making life easier to live during stressful times.
Though each one of us have dealt with our childhood in different ways,my siblings have in a way shaped me to be the human being that I am.I am forever Thankful to my Parents for having us.Their lives were not easier then but they made life easy for us...just by giving us one another.
And in todays world all that is spoken about is having just one amazes and saddens me.
I reflect on the fact at this age what my siblings have contributed into shaping me....The social skills that i acquired from my siblings extended beyond the four walls of our home.It influenced my interaction with my peers.I realized very early in life that my negative behaviour was accepted only at home and my peers would reject that. The art of giving , sharing came easy to me.Also I learnt to enjoy others moments than just mine. .....We laughed for\with eachother than At eachother. In our low moments we cried with and for eachother....we expressed our anger, annoyance and irritation without holding on to it.Despite our individual struggles, triumphs, joys, tears our relationhip runs deep
I read somewhere.....Your siblings are your true. My journey in life would have never been so comfortable and enduring but for them, brother and sister.....we are together for better and for worse

Friday, December 5, 2008

Why Marry Asks My Son ?

Times have indeed changed, and Everytime Ibringup the topic of marriage to my son,He asks but Why Marry? What does marriage have to offer that I cannot achieve.And Isay why not?
When I got married, this question never crossed my mind. While growing up, I had always been told that each person is only half of a whole, and to feel whole or complete one has to marry.It was the done thing, the only right way to get children into this world, so that our generations would continue.Marriage also to me meant more independence, as I would be an equal with my partner, have my say, my was all about my, and then it was us.
I was not told that only marriage challenges you to better yourself.It also gives you companionship, and the warmth of knowing that there is someone who is always there to be there for u just as you are there for him, He is as committed to the same challenges as you, and besides the commitment, intimacy there is companionship.
The response I get from my youngson is..I have it all without being married. I have friends and I have a pet, who is always there to welcome me when I get home, he gives me unconditional love and my friends are there to challenge me to better my self.
I fail to give him a rational reason, a reason that would make sense to him to reamin into a commitment that lasts a lifetime.To him what is accepted is enjoy the relationship for their natural duration than be in it when it gets painful and causes emtional havoc.I tell him, a married person is always learning, learning to love somebody more than his own self., He learns to give without being asked, and thus gets hapiness .He says I donot need anybody to make me happy, happiness is within me.....
My conversation with him continues, yet ended on this very familiar mothers tone..You can spend your life alone or with someone you love and who loves you.To me , as an outdated parent, person to the young of today..the reason remains the makes you think beyond yourself, it helps you learn more about yourself everyday......and so our conversations seem to go on and on..............

Friday, November 28, 2008


This category of relationship is really unique…truly one of a kind.When you marry you become a family in more ways than one. While, all other kin relationships are bound by blood, this one is bound by marriage, and comes with giving respect and a code of conduct, and above all with a lot of expectations more so for the women…If one is fortunate enough to have a welcoming extended family, there could not be a greater blessing, but if your inlaw relationship is strained it could lead to a shaky marriage.Whether we like it or not, this is one relationship, that can either put pressure on the relationship, or be the biggest support.Getting along with your in laws especially the mother in law can be the biggest challenge of married life
Every woman I know walks into a marriage knowing that your inlaws are the people who raised your husband who also happens to be the man, you love too..But sometimes even this one major factor is not enough to keep peace.While for many these situations are exaggerated , for many others it becomes a major problem to deal with daily. Why should there be a problem in the first place???????But there is….I guess the expectations of the roles we define in our minds for the ideal Bahu, Sister in law, etc. is what kills the relationship, and if it does not kill it, it weighs it down for sure.The pre conceived notions about an ideal daughter in law has killed the relationship even before it has started.We forget we got an individual , who shall fit into the required role in due course.Accept your daughter in law for who she is.Give first Than expect.Guide her along than expect her to know how to do everything the way you did

The man I feel gets squashed in between this tug of war….Son/Husband But then it is the man[ who is now a husband too]who sadly is the only one who can bridge the two. Sadly many men miss out on this one important thing..While the girl leaves behind her family to make a new home, the man continues being a son, a brother alone and forgets he has a new role assigned to him that of The Husband….He is the only one who can make his wife be understood and his parents get respect and civility they truly deserve.

For the parents I guess it does get difficult to let go off the man/son they raised. You have raised your son and now someone else he has got into his life with your blessings has to become a priority .This new couple needs to adjust to one another first, understand their differences let go off their individual lifestyles, needs and make adjustments to run their relationship smoothly. Often the in-law relationship gets better with time, but if it’s been quite a few years and things have not changed, I guess they never will. You can not make them love you, understand you if they do not want to…so all one can do is change your reactions, the years have gone by and they will go by. No relationship is designed to perfection and so neither is this one. Every woman who becomes a mother in law was once married to someone’s son too,…………all it takes is a little thought and a whole lot of love …both ways.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Its A son..oh boy??

My family was finally complete when our son was born, was it easy having him…oh no. while he was all excited to view the world, my doctor and self took all measures to hold him in my womb. Every month was full of stress, he would kick, move, jump..All to get out and be held at my bosom…but it was too early, so I went on bed rest. Holding him close to myself, and praying. God please take care of my baby. and my daughter adding up… it has to be brother[bhai] ur tummy jumps too much….she wanted a brother so much and we wanted a healthy baby, since nothing was going right with this pregnancy. And finally in my eighth month, after our tug of war, stay in, no want to get out. my child won and …Our son was born….I saw him, with the cord, his frail chest pumping, up and down, like he was trying to breathe and sound his arrival to one and all…and suddenly with all the energy he could muster…he made the sweetest sound in the world. That first sound shall always stay with me. He announced his arrival in such a grand regal way, I got to hold him but for a mt., before the nurse put him in the incubator. Please pray for him is what the Dr. said. And I did, but I also knew. my son would survive it all, he wanted to be with me and was thus always in a hurry ….to be held by me, to be beside me….to make my family complete, my world complete…
My lil frail child was soon adding pounds much to our joy, and he was oh boy????All that energy, that mischief. He was forever in his own magical world.
Our home peaceful and serene with our prim and proper daughter was now hit by a tornado. Gone were dolls and colours, now there were cars, jeeps and Lego blocks.
If a broom could make the witch fly, why could he not do so, If a clown could have multicolored faces he must too. Our pet dog Tootsie was his energy tester, he would sleep beside him, hold his tail to take him on his toes and balance him. His world was complete with his simple vocabulary….ma, for mamma, da for dada, di for didi[elder sis] and C for Tootsie.
He related to my husband for the thrills boys needed. My husband a pilot always had to tell him how he flew his sortie. Air crashes he wanted to know all about and always felt the thrill to the word Crash…often wondering if his dad would ever crash. He looked up to his father as all boys do for how to interact with others, and I knew my husband was, is a good father and the best example for my son to follow in life. But me, as a mother I had a role too, to teach him how he should treat a girl right, to respect women, so that he nurtures better relationships. But my baby at that age was past understanding my worries. So simple and make believe was his world which had excitement and thrill only. No sadness no tears, only the fun of living at his pace.
Our abode where nothing was out of place now had sticky fingers on walls, rugs and pillows. Life was not the same there was too much activity…but there was also lots of laughter, love and mischief…My world was complete, there was a sense of balance. Having a daughter and a son had given me the sense of completeness I wanted.
Watching my kids hugging each other and sleeping without any worry and fear, my lips would say a silent prayer.
Their innocence and joy I knew would not last, as they would move in
Life to make their place…while their world would grow, mine always will be limited to them.

Monday, May 12, 2008

my child, my teacher

The first eye contact with my child is something I will always cherish. Her lips had formed the letter O, and her eyes held mine for sometime, as if telling me…. So I belong to u, I am an extension of u. My eyes had got all misty and hers seemed so much focused on me. All that innocence, the look of bewilderment has always stayed with me…and then as if her look tugged my face towards her. I gave her my gentle kiss on her tiny lips. My world seemed so right, so perfect. All the physical and emotional pain was taken away with that one look. In that one look I had a new word to me..MOM.
From a day old she turned to be a month old, the months kept adding and I felt more love than I could possibly know. The days were busy days, but they were filled with laughs and smiles, she was there to command and I was there to obey. Her simple needs and wants were spoken in her unique way. Whimper when uneasy, laugh when happy, rub your eyes when sleepy, and wake up with a stretch and smile. Her needs were few and so basic. There never was a dull moment.
My amazing lil being grew to be six months old, and she wanted to explore the house on her plump lil belly. I never understood what did the trick for her to flay her arms in the air, push the floor with her tiny feet and waddle, and then she would preen at something on the floor… which would follow with a laugh from within. My lil one gave me my first lesson…I learnt to laugh from within, life was full of surprises, and every surprise had to be greeted with bewilderment and laughter. My precious gift from God was unknowingly becoming my teacher.
The months were turning into years, and my lil one was Columbus every day..on her own discovery, of her territory , where she saw no dangers, no fear…..and she showed complete trust in my husband and me.
Shapes, figures, flowers and trees, the sky and water all that I had learnt to view in my way was not mine anymore. I saw them thru her eyes, our bewildered looks were so alike. She would pick up a pebble and wanted me to feel it, how could a pebble be soft on one side and rough on another.She would climb afew steps and leap into our arms, there was no fear and total trust that she would be held safely.
I looked at my precious child, who had started her life’s journey with happiness, trust and no fear……something that in my adult years I was seeking .I too as a child must have had all this, when did I let it all go…..the world through my child’s eyes was once again a nicer world. The sense of awe, bewilderment and sheer pleasure of being alive has stayed with me. Life I do not anymore take for granted…… first borne lesson to me I have treasured.

Understanding Life

When i was young my mum told me this....God gave you this life so that u could grow your soul...and one can do this only with one's goodness and values. As i moved ahead in life trying to understand it and grow not only in years but also as a human being, did this one statement start making sense.I got married at the age of 18, my dream world was left behind and i walked into a new home with a new meaning to life. I learnt to accept responsibility of the relationship i had walked into. I started living life the way i was expected to, making my new families beliefs, wants, dreams my own. Was it easy ..oh no? it was like peeling an onion everyday. Discovering something new about the relationships that i had, I in turn started discovering my self through my reaction to situations. Sometimes the peels would make u cry but life continued. Soon i had my first born,then onwards, everyday, everything was a miracle, childbirth in itself was one.Life started being lived. I was learning to live outside myself without even realizing i was doing so.Each tommorrow was becoming so different from a yesterday lived.When i laughed at the new joys life was offering i laughed like hell. My onion had a new peel, i discovered the tears were shed with joy. Life looked different through my own eyes. I started unconsciously figuring out what i wanted to be as a parent, my mom's saying then came into being..i was hoping to elevate my soul, and i started living inside this hope.All because i wanted to make life worthwhile for my had to be contagious..for her to be able to see everyday as new day..Life was coming to a full circle. I was learning to make a life not by what i had got, but by what i was giving. The journey of self discovery continues...Each day is finally being lived like it is my last..the way my mum wanted me to, the way my daughter could follow if she chose to.