Remembering Mumma

Last year this month this day, mumma passed away. A Year has gone by slowly steadily….and with her passing I, like many have kept her alive in my thoughts. In the silence of the night when all is still, my mind has been on a marathon of a kind…..embracing her within me with the passing year was getting easier, as was taking a walk down memory lane, a regular regime in my time alone

The details of that last day are still so vivid…me holding on to her cold self, yet feeling her still exuding warmth. The endless kisses I bestowed on her, breathing into her trying to let her know one more time that I love her…the feelings of fear, of having to live life without her, and not knowing how….the things that I wanted to say, and things that were said. The unbelievable love I felt along with the unimaginable pain….with reality dawning and darkness descending…and sitting there I, mustered the courage to send this one word message to her grandkids…GONE. The saddest word which summarized a whole life…

At that point living with so much pain didn’t seem possible. I looked around to see people who had experienced the same loss before me and marveled at their strength, yet wondering all the while if I would get through life in my present emotional state….Yet here I am with the hours of grieving having turned to days, months, a year it is. However a part of me is still raw and aches within me…Life is going by.

Death does change everything and time really does heal nothing. The year has gone by missing the sound of her voice, the warmth of her embrace, the wisdom in her advice, and craving to be in her presence. Her absence has made me realize how much she was to me... I have regrets yes many. Taking her for granted, of not helping her more than I should or could have when she toiled for us. Rebuking her for worrying for us endlessly…Yes I took all my time with her for granted, thinking there would be more time…and here I am now wishing one more moment, one more day one more hug knowing it will not be.

Yes I am learning to push through it all. Learning to absorb the grief. Adjust to life without her and accept the truth of her not being there… and maybe a day shall arrive when I can or maybe I can’t, I simply can’t.

A woman of steel, yet so soft within her…Yes I do inspire to be her. Old as I get, there are moments I still need her ….Holding her close in my heart I live. I am because You were

Welcoming Life......

Life moves on, sometimes without turning, sometimes with sudden turnings and sometimes with no signposts to follow....It forms a pattern of its own. The ground underfoot, is sometimes soft and sometimes rocky....but Life flows the way it is meant to and the way we choose to make it to....

Like many of us, my path too has not been determined. I too have gone through my experiences. Life has been full of small segments, some have shaped me in the human being I have become, some made me the human being I would rather forget…but all these segments have been part of my life, enriching it. I look back and see a lot of Milestones that I have created…

And now in a few days ,Life is unfolding another beautiful chapter …I so look forward to…our son gets engaged to this lovely lady..The girl I have grown to love in the short span I have known her….A major beautiful chapter is being unfolded, putting new responsibilities on both of us

.

We start our journey, with shared dreams, accepting each other for who we are, and loving each other for all that we are.

 She hoping the man she is set to marry, loves her, respects her, cherishes her…and I hoping my son is raised well enough to love, respect and cherish the woman he has chosen to be his future wife.

As I sit here writing this I make a silent promise to this lovely girl with the brightest smile..Neha..I promise to give you my unconditional Love and support like I gave to my children.

I promise to care and strive for us to be together in every Joy, tear, storm, trial that Life bestows on us.

Nothing I have ever done has given me more happiness and joy than being a Mother. …..and I look forward to being your Mum too.

LAZY........ME

I look around, and see everybody is soo busy…and here I am…doing nothing, wanting to do nothing...and neither am I motivated enough to do something.

Am I not ambitious enough or do I lack the wisdom to see what needs to be done. My Indolence sure was a happy state to be in till I realized I was being Indolent.

Why must we be always doing something to be happy. Why is there no pleasure in not dong anything, or not having anything to do..

I wonder, did all these inventions take place because somebody had a lot to do, or was it because somebody was simply being lazy

My mind doesn’t seem to be resting… With all this going on in my head…am I really being slothful.

Just this mere thought has turned my delightful state into stressful. If only my mind would relax …I would probably enjoy my being lazy.

I AM BACK.......From My PROCRASTINATION

I definitely do not suffer from a writer’s block, primarily because I do not believe there is something like that. I just had too many other things. Were they bigger and better things …yes, and no? But one thing is sure I just did not want to put pen to paper. Even though I admit I did have too much time, but no inclination. What is it that was holding me from getting down to writing….I guess I was just waiting to do everything that was right...within and outside and realized I ended up doing nothing….Procrastination indeed it was…and it got me nowhere….So here I am ..Putting my thoughts on paper. In the times gone by I have mastered the art of Procrastination……It did seem like a lot of fun, in trying to keep up with my Yesterday. It did make it hard for me to channelize my thoughts, and yet it made it easier to push it to another day….and then it turned to another month, year…and before I realized it turned into years…I always had convenient excuses and so never could find a convenient time….and now years later I wish I had not indulged in this form of self sabotage. So now onwards, no laziness, no excuses, no succumbing to my moods…my yesterday shall not move into my today, and my not Now shall Never turn into Never.

MOMMY'S VISIT

Mum visited me after a long time, and life got interestingly busy. I am now suffering from MODS…i.e. Mommy Overdose Syndrome. While over the years I have aged, I marvel at the fact, my mum has not…every morning I would wake up…and there would be a race to the kitchen… Mum would always win…and then the tug of war would start, she would want to cook for the day…………while I wanted her to relax. The early morning marathon would tire me but not her, finally reasoning helped, but for a few days..till she announced…her limbs were going weak…because of lack of exercise, in other words she needed to work.... so.. I felt I had joined the Day Care....and was under constant Mommy Supervision….

Life for a few days became guerilla warfare. Surely the hand that rocked the cradle was now ruling my turf...and I had no right to complain. I thought my years had taught me a lot, but mums visit made me realize how much more I had to learn. Never did she miss a chance on giving me a piece of advice....and to my horror I realized I needed the so called piece of advice on every thing.

We went to buy vegetables...and there she was taking out so called Fresh onions,[???]. I normally buy the big sized, so there is less to peel,but here was Mommy digging out all the medium sized ones.....before I could start peeling I already was misty eyed.

All the clothes needed to be ironed by my Iron Lady, besides me the Dhobi[washerman] was also jobless...my yells would make her quietly sneak away with the damp clothes to the ironing board..and there she would be humming her prayers , raising her brows telling me not to disturb her in her prayers…….I could see she was having a great deal of trouble with me in trying to set the errant child right…somewhere deep down I am sure she was enjoying it….And I too was enjoying saying my silent prayers that the years had not slowed her down.

Then there were the never ending visits to the temples….Every God needed to be pleased so that her brood of children and their extended family could be prayed for….Happiness insured for her children in her own way....[I guess I can now sin for life.] I in the bargain also got to discover some beautiful temples…loved the architecture of the Kumbharia Jain temple at Ambaji…the beautiful marble carvings, the peace and the serenity…and the look on my mums face shall always stay with me.

We took a trip to Somnath, something she wanted to. The short holiday did us good. My weight loss plan went to the bin....I always thought being a mother, she understood my unspoken...well she gracefully ignored it... my No’s fell on Deaf ears...I needed to be fed not overfed. Anything that she found tasty had to be fed to her new found Guinea pig..... Me.

The endless stories about life and relationships lived, the gone and the alive…She had so much to tell me, share with me...relatives I never knew existed, were alive in her conversations…and I silently thanked my stars she was not born in the days of the Mahabharata....

The short trip came to an end, and it was time for Mum to go. I am back to my life and she to hers…a warm gush of emotion spreads when I think of all the unselfish day to day things she at her age still does for me and my siblings. I would catch her looking at me and all I could see was pure love.

Everything that she could do for me she did, but she forgot one thing...............sing the lullaby

HAPPY ANIVERSARY.......

32 years ago, my mum said….in a marriage do not look for Him, to be the right person, first be the right person…Profound words which at 18 did not make sense to me, but always stayed with me. The journey of a new life that I took with Joe has grown step by step, and it is 32 years today……….Life indeed has come a long way…

We had an arranged marriage, but love blossomed with the years sometimes knowingly sometimes unknowingly…its been an adventure we set out on together, discovering each other, loosing one self, sounding like an enemy at times, we met with life’s incidents, some we turned into disasters, some we managed to take lessons from.

Sometimes we went our own separate ways, but realized that all the paths we took finally did lead to each other... We tried changing each other and over the years realized, that unknowingly we had adapted to each others way. Some times my ego took a bashing and sometimes his, but silently the ego was sacrificed…to each of us, our inner worth was visible, taken for granted at times, but at other times respected.

When did we stop asking each other for our best, to giving each other our best, speaking our mind…knowing the other will understand the feeling behind the harsh words? Words that shall not create tension or conflict but harmony, we have learnt to understand the unspoken behind the spoken. From feeling some days how can I live with him, he has become the person I can not live without.

The vows we took 32 years ago have matured slowly, the vows alone have not held us together for 32 years…it’s the little and big incidents, its standing together shoulder to shoulder when life gave the chills, yet giving each other space and independence. With eyes wide open and half shut at times we continue this journey of life………As somebody rightly said………. We have come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly

WE MOVED..............

We...Joe and Self moved to Gujarat, Ahmedabad. Moving for sure is no more simple. All my life when we were in the Defence,it was easy, every two years or so, very rarely less,we would set to do our share of Bharat Darshan, see new places, make new friends, making a home every where we went, leaving a part of our heart behind. Then changed countries, got back to where we felt we belonged.

This move from Bangalore to Ahmedabad has been tough more so with the heartaches the packer and movers gave us.Broken stuff, delayed delivery etc.it had it all.Aggarwal Packers and Movers never again.

Landing here the heat hurt, but the atitude of the people, warmed us. This city rocks.I get a pleasant surprise every day.Broad roads, no power cuts, running water and so very gracious people. After having lived in these so called cosmopolitan cities Delhi, Chennai, Bangalore....the 'Autorickshaw walas'were a compete NO, NO....I never had the will or energy to travel in them. Joe would always end up taking them to the Police Station, what with faulty meters, excessive fares, and Bad attitudes. Here they let you sit in the AutoRickshaw first, and even if one has to travel half a mile, they willingly take you and yes all through the meter reading. Not one Auto wala has said faulty meter...I salute this breed of Service Providers.
'Ben' [Behen, Sister]thats what everybody calls you, I am actually starting to forget my name......

I now understand what a good Govt. can do...From one BJP run state to another I have come.And what a difference,no half a day power cuts, no narrow roads, no traffic jams... if this is what India is capable of, if this is what Growing India is,....I am so proud to be Indian.I love this place already.

POLES APART........YET TOGETHER

Today is one of those days when I am truly wondering. Why did God make Husbands? Much as I love, respect Joe, there are days like today that I encounter and ponder on the same question…. From Newly weds we have become Old weds, galloped, walked, trudged 32 years together, yet am astounded by the number of times I have felt Oddly wed.

Do we really suit each other I ask Joe...and he says…Yes, actually more, if you had been the Neighbors wife...And I really do feel that I should seriously live next door.

Sometimes, I wish that he dance to my tune, than I to His….and then I realize we end up dancing to the duets we create.

We have an argument, and he says lets not go to bed, being mad at each other…and I want to retort back..... Yes, Joe I would love to stay awake and fight and resolve issues, but then I sleep off…over the issue as well.

I say Joe, you never listen to me. And he replies of course I do, how else I would reply to this…… [Sigh]

Joe you do not understand me, I say……and he says, No, I do, that’s why I am going for a walk.

Joe how can you always forget such small things…and Poonam how can you remember such small things and get mad… [I am stumped]

I say Joe, will you ever give me a surprise….and he says.... I am surprised, knowing me you still are looking for surprises….

Poonam what do you understand about money or finances…..how to spend it Joe, I say…..

I was looking for you, he says and I say Look after me, but please do not look for me, when I am gossiping with friends over the phone…. [Always falls on deaf ears.]

And so the journey together continues........
Me looking for him to change, and he wondering why did I change.
Sometimes I wish he would talk, and sometimes I am glad he is silent...
He looks at the world with eyes wide open and me with eyes half shut,
He leaves the windows open when goes to sleep, and I draw the curtains,
He looks at the big picture, and I look at the little things…..

Two sides of the coin we are, thankfully the same...

EXPECTATIONS .......

What is with life and relationships these days? Everybody seems to be embittered.
Why are we so high in expectations on everybody else but ourselves? Nirupama Pathak was a case in point which really got me thinking about relationships between parents and children…this relationship for sure is going through a transition, and maybe vanishing with uncertainty and expectation.

We keep saying the modern generation children are failing their parents……why do we not think once that are parents not failing their children too. Why do we parents give our children wings, when we ourselves have not learnt to fly yet? Should we not as parents fulfill our own expectations of ourselves than start expecting from our children. So bound are we parents by our own values, our beliefs that we at times refuse to make the change in our attitude to life.
We give our kids the best of education, wanting them to excel in everything in life, always wanting them to do the right thing, hoping, praying that they imbibe by the values we set for them, setting high standards for them …thus doing everything right in life…and we as parents forget…that they are human beings in their own right, they shall make their own mistakes sometimes unobserved in life’s fast pace, and maybe learn from those mistakes. Much as our life is ours, their life is theirs too.

In life most of the things we do is because our parents did it that way, or so is the norm of the society...the society which too is formed by us. We parents have become Modern…but we have also become skeptical. We feel, our way is the best, no other way shall work for our children. So firm are we in our mindset that any other way but ours brings us disappointment. Our expectations have to be met in a set way…or else it shall only bring us disappointment…forgetting that expectation is not meant to be without disappointment. Instead of being so sensitive to our own needs as parents should we not just let them make their mistakes, [No, I do not advocate sex before marriage, or teen pregnancies and all other choices that the younger generation makes.]
But should we as parents try not judging them and do what we as parents can do best…give them love especially when they donot deserve it,give unconditional love so that no young life is lonely in their darkest hours of crisis.

DISCOVERING MYSELF..........?

Today started off as any other day, but as the clock ticked away the hours, the mind weaved its thoughts, and I realized Today was not like any other day. Outwardly nothing had changed, the changes were within me.

Off late my mind asks me questions that I wonder if I will ever have answers to.... What am I striving for, What do I want to learn before I die, What is it that I am searching for, What do I seek to embrace, What if I get lost in everything and never find Myself………Do I really want to discover myself, Do I really want to get lost in all the questions my mind asks , Should I flee from my mind or just get lost in it all?

Discovering myself, is a journey I donot want to embark on. Much as I need to find myself at times, I discover myself through the relationships I have developed, the self that has been created by the people around me. As I look back on life, I discover that that there are major opinions that I have acquired, some beliefs I have discarded, some I have adapted to, some mysteries of life I have ventured into all by myself, but found answers to{?} because of the people, the relationships around me. It is through my relationships that some days I encounter my self, and then I feel am born yet again. And at times like these I act like Columbas.Just when I think I know myself, life changes and I react like a stranger to what it throws at me. Discovering myself is indeed puzzling…I ask myself will I ever come face to face with myself?

Is there any part of me that hasn’t been altered, stayed unchanged? Why is my own self so hidden from me? Discovering myself, is it really worth the effort? Will I ever find my own answers or will I keep discovering myself through my relationships?

If I know the real myself, will I love Myself or run away from it? Knowing myself is indeed not only a difficult task but an inconvenient one too. Maybe, one day my self examination would give me a true picture of Myself, or maybe I shall never Discover Myself, but I know I shall discover the person I wanted to be…and so I shall come face to face with Myself.

HOMECOMING..........

I have been away for 6 months, visiting my children, playing with my granddaughter...and now am back home...flying back I had this incredible feeling, and the exhiliration that I was feeling then..did not stay once I reached home...my home was just a house made of bricks, walls and beams.

They say home is where the heart is...and my heart, emotions were all left behind in Canada where my children reside.My feet had left them but not my heart.....even though living in their homes, I was so much at home..it was alive with my loved ones...my granddaughters present connected me to my past when my kids were her age..how good it felt....their growing years which were hard to bear at times, were so sweet to remember...the past and the present had so beautifully blended for once.

I have settled in.....some days I live more in the past now, the fun times I had with my family, and I am gradually turning this house with beams into a home, filling it up with dreams......and soon my home is where a few days ago my house was....I love this place, even though it has just two people...It has strong affections, it has a soul, from a quiet home it turns into a nursery, when the thoughts of my granddaughter take over...I tell my self I have travelled from home to home...not where my heart is but with what is in my heart...

DIVINE CHAT........MY FIRST FORWARD IN 2010

I have been away from my blog world for too long....miss it, but am busy being a full time grandmom for now, busy capturing the joys and wonders of my lil granddaughter Meher.In the colds of Canada, she spreads so much warmth just by being herself........and I am just so happily busy in her little world...which is mine also for a few months more...and then my friends I shall get back to blogging, catching with the family that I created with all of you.......A VERY HAPPY SATISFYING 2010 TO ALL OF YOU.



God : Hello. Did you call me?

Me: Called you? No.....who is this?

God : This is GOD. I heard your prayers. So I thought I will chat.

Me: I do pray. Just makes me feel good. I am actually busy now. I am in the midst of something.

God : What are you busy at?

Me: Don't know. But I cant find free time. Life has become hectic. It's rush hour all the time.

God : Well I wanted to resolve your fight for time, by giving you some clarity. In this next era, I wanted to reach you through the medium you are comfortable with.

Me: Tell me, why has life become complicated now?

God : Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated.

Me: Why are we then constantly unhappy?

God : Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.

Me: But how can we not worry when there is so much uncertainty?

God : Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional.

Me: But then, there is so much pain due to uncertainty.....

God : Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

Me: If suffering is optional, why do good people always suffer?

God : Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life becomes better not bitter.

Me: You mean to say such experience is useful?

God : Yes. In all terms, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons afterwards.

Me: But still, why should we go through such tests? Why cant we be free from problems?

God : Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons (to) Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems.

Me: Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are heading

God : If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.

Me: Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction. What should I do?

God : Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.

Me: In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

God : Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

Me: What surprises you about people?

God : When they suffer they ask, "why me?" When they prosper, they never ask "Why me". Everyone wishes to have truth on their side, but few want to be on the side of the truth.

Me: Sometimes I ask, who am I, why am I here? I cant get the answer.

God : Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it.

Life is not a process of discovery but a process of creation.

Me: How can I get the best out of life?

God : Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence.Prepare for the future without fear.

Me: One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

God : There are no unanswered prayers. At times the answer is NO.

Me: Thank you for this wonderful chat. I now have a new sense of inspiration.

God : Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

DEATH AND GRIEF

The last month has been a difficult one. A very dear friend lost her 22 year old son in a freaky road accident. Logically thinking about the way the accident happened, confirms only one thing, that he was destined to go, his time sadly was up.

Even though grieving for the loss with my friend, I can think rationally, resist tears, behave well socially…but when my friend questions why…I sadly have no right answers. All I do then is be with her sometimes letting my silence be her strength hopefully and some times sharing our sorrow with words….knowing all this is inadequate.

Since her grief is so fresh, any attempt to divert her I notice only irritates her….In her sorrow at times I feel totally incompetent.
And then I sit there, with my own mind busier than ever, telling myself…..Death of a dear one, surely does leave a heartache no one can heal….But then mourning for a loved one, surely is not the end of a relationship, their absence is met every living moment. We go from loving them in presence, to loving them even more in absence.

Khalil Gibran has so rightly said….When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. The truth in this one statement makes so much sense. We embrace the memories of our lost loved ones so closely to our heart that we forget to embrace the ones alive.

We are all brought up knowing that the time of Birth and Death is not predicted. One who is born has to go…yet when the time so comes, we cannot even accept the fact, that the person we cannot live without has passed away…and we cling on further to our loss, turning our grief into our lasting companion.

Her strongest wish, urge, need everyday is to be able to hug her son , one last time…looking at her, empathizing with her, I wish…Death could be adjusted…But then life always does not offer a perfect ending………how can it when it does not have a clear beginning. Is life not about not knowing what is going to happen next?

JUST ANOTHER DAY...........

It’s a new day…I am telling my self, but it just does not seem so….what’s with me, why am I like this? Just the beginning of the day and my thoughts are not too bright…I am sure this day is going to be longer than others.

I am focusing only on the gray in my life…....the gray like the cloudy weather shall pass on too and my energy, my flexibility shall come back, I tell myself.…I look around and I see only the withered tree, I look at my bedside table and see the withered rose from yesterday…...guess my lousy mood has come to stay for the day…

I try hard to smile it away…I look at the pictures of my children, randomly placed all over the house, snatches of the years gone by… …my moods I am trying to balance, trying to cross of the bad, the negative, trying to find something to smile, my thoughts waver….so I put on music……they say music provides you power…but here I am connecting my mood to the verses…..I am tired, miserable and edgy…the perfect person to stay away from, says my Husband .

I decide I shall be a couch potato today, so do some channel surfing…I look at the screen all pensive and in a vacant mood…. and see our PM…...poor guy he too is struggling to smile… what with all the arm twisting, he is surrounded by the so called selfless wanting to serve the country till their selfish needs, dreams, aspirations are met….These parties full of individuals, have been talking of bringing about positive changes in the country, but not in themselves. ..….I switch channels, and start viewing Hanstey Raho….and I finally smile when I hear….”People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke”

A UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE............

Standing in my balcony, I notice these three puppies playing, wagging their tails.…not one person has gone by without these puppies walking up to them, sniffing and wagging their tails and all the people passing by are giving them smiles …instant connection these puppies have made with their human friends. All they did is wag their tails. …in their language indicating they are happy…..and, these puppies have turned strangers into friends.

The guard trying to shoo them away is also doing it so half heartedly…he came to them with a frown, and now his frown is a confused one. Thanks to his unwilling smile.

And me, standing here, looking at them, am all smiles…these little puppies helped me start my day with a smile……a smile does travel a mile eh???

The normally grouchy old man sitting in the lawn reading his newspaper, I notice has pushed his reading glasses down to his chin, no more is he interested in the latest happenings in the world…but has decided to take notice of the happenings around him….and there, wow he too is smiling…the same smile like me… ….The puppies have discovered something of interest, and the old man has found the puppies interesting. He notices me watching from the balcony, and nods, and ….smiles. I smile right back, and I wonder…….Why is it that we are so hesitant smiling when all that a smile does …….. Inspire another smile


The warmth of old mans smile could not be measured, it started from his lips, reached his eyes and heart…and Unlocked my heart…..
…..it came from him to me, and went back to him…..

The puppies left, maybe to spread their warmth else where, and I got back to my own work….but the smile stayed. My husband walked in and gave me one look, and asked...What have you been up to…u are smiling for no reason ?.....and he was smiling too…….I laughed….my smile had just burst, and I said a silent prayer. Thank you God for giving me the ability to smile for no apparent reason… I should wear my smile more often…..the world looks brighter and my soul feels refreshed.

The grouchy old man…I know will never be grouchy when I see him next, the ice had been broken, the boundaries between us had melt…and the distance between two human beings had reduced…my day would sure end well, what with the power of smile, that the puppies in their innocence had bought to me.

MY SON…………MY SON SHINE.

You are 24 today….Happy Birthday Son…….Time indeed flies…Gone is the mischief, your spider man antics, bruised knees, cut fingers, band aids, soiled clothes, ruffled hair, mischievous grin, Lego, bat and ball, hugs and cuddles, and tucking you in bed at night………..

Your growing years were full of exciting, funny antics….The times you were naughty, I could not even lock you up in the bathroom. The one time I did, u smartly started having a bath, singing at the top of your voice. All I could do then was laugh…
You my son, had learnt early to make the best of the worst…

Your dad was your hero, your favorite toy….you would jump on him, do cartwheels when in his arms, grunt like Tarzan and always wanted piggy- back rides. You wanted him to run with you, race with you, and he would mostly let you win just to see that smile on your face…and the times you would lose…..the smile was still there. And I knew then that my son you would take failure too in your stride…your joy at winning was not for yourself alone.

When out on walks by yourself, you always came back with those stray puppies…my lil pied piper walking with his army of stray dogs, all wagging their little tails, knowing they were invited for dinner…..you showed compassion and care at that young an age…and I my son would watch with mixed emotions and misty eyes, Knowing that you had it in you to grow up right.

You wanted to become a cop...That was your goal, and I watched you with pride giving your best to make your dream come true. You put in hard work, and all I could do was pray. A cop you have become, you have accomplished what you wanted.
I know for sure, you will be able to differentiate between right and wrong, show compassion to the old and tenderness to the young, and happiness and success shall always come your way.

I look at you, and I realize…Strong yet Gentle, Full of care and compassion, that’s you my son. You might not move mountains, or change the world…but you surely do get moved by life and people, and get touched by their struggles…and then yes, son, you make an effort to touch lives and change them for the better in your own gentle way. ….

From being a great boy, you have turned to be a great young man, outgrown my lap, but not my heart. As I sit and write this, I remember the years have gone by like moments. You are all grown up, but still my little boy. You still have the coooooool smile and the twinkle in your eyes.

Gone is the time when I could give you needless kisses, but son I can always say it aloud…I love you…honestly, madly, respectfully. I shed tears not of sorrow, but of joy and pride, for the wonderful, human being you have turned out to be. Life shall offer you dreams, worries, regrets, happiness ...and I know you shall take it all in your stride...

My regret today….no more hugs and wet kisses, messy nose, no cradling you….sometimes I guess you should forget how big, and tall you are and just get into my lap….Love you Son, for all that you are Today, and all that you will be Tomorrow…My son, My sonshine, My star……….

And just the other day I was reading my previous post

Time indeed does fly.

ART OF LIVING......MY WAY

A friend of mine has been coaxing me into joining The Art of Living. Much As I respect the teachings and methods of such a course, I find no need to take it. To me the art of living can not be preached, but it can only be learnt and realized from within.

Living is an art, there will be stress, unhappiness, sadness, but then there also is joy, happiness, laughter and all that is positive to view. I myself have to have the mental and emotional clarity to be able to take the good with the bad, happiness with sadness, pessimism followed with optimism and so on.

Life is meant to be lived to the fullest. It is full of surprises, sometimes there is more sadness and less happiness, but then we have to know how to make the best of both. You have to be able to stand firm and take all that life bestows, the expected and the unexpected.

What is the Art of Living to me, I have been asking my self. Have I learnt from my mistakes? Am I a pessimist? Do I keep seeking more, than be satisfied with what I have…questions galore…but one thing I know for sure, I am mostly a happy fun loving person. I always find something to laugh about. If God was to ask me to make some changes in my life would I want to live this Life again……YES, I say. I have a few regrets, I would do something’s differently, but I would want to live this life again and again…..The changes I would make are within my own self, but not ever would I change my family, my friends, my life…I have it all…..am mastering the Art of Living. What does the Art of Living mean to me….in my Quest to understand myself……?

Art of Living to me is…….

Living one day at a time. I live to live, knowing one day I shall die. But as long as I am living, death does not concern me, because when death does come I shall not be alive. If I live well, I know I shall die well too.

I try not to cling on to the sadness more than I cling onto happiness. Happiness and sadness are like children, who you have to let go when they grow up.

All that I have today is, all that I had hoped for yesterday…….so I cherish my today.

When faced with sadness, deep within me I know Happiness shall follow, as I have seen in life the two always balance each other.

I have discovered the capacity within me to enjoy the simple things, feel deeply not for myself only, be needed, and give happiness when ever needed.

I have learnt to laugh at myself more than I laugh at others. My best jokes are directed at myself and this always gets me heartwarming laughter.

To me the art of living is to make the good out of the bad. I firmly believe that whatever happens happens for the best.

I try never to go to bed angry, resentful or mad. What comes with today goes with today. I do get mad, but I also get over it.

My ego. I have realized, always shuts me from people when ever it raises its hood. I am learning to surrender it. It can be big, but am learning to move beyond it. ..Relationships I have realized cannot be built and conflicts not resolved with ego.

The years in my life have gone by, but am glad I gradually learnt to add life to those years. When I look back, I know living has been worth while.

I am gradually learning who I am, and as long as I do not fully discover myself I am curious. But I know for sure my life does not belong to me alone. I am learning to touch lives with warmth and compassion. I do not want to exist, I want to live.

I have learnt to love solitude. When all is still, I feel no anxiety, loneliness. I look within and I feel more acceptance of myself. My inner peace guides me.

My friends and family I cherish, every interaction with them teaches me a little about myself, a chance to build myself as a better human being. They give me trust and joy and make my life rich and abundant.

My soul guides me and my heart tells me that if it is the source of worry, contentment also rises from there. The choices I make, the reactions I give, will define the human being that I am…Yes, am slowly but steadily mastering the art of living…my way at my pace. The overall picture of my life shall be the way I paint it. The way I live it.

A Viewpoint .... GOD AND TEMPLES

This is in response to Solilo, who had responded to my previous post on Understanding ....

I had said I would publish THIS FORWARD...send to me by mom.

I am not a temple goer on a regular basis, but neither am I against it. To each his own...is my Belief. The ways to get peace of mind differ.

Kahlil Gibran has summed this up beautifully....“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of One Religion, and it is the spirit.''

The Forward....[source unknown] follows:

'Devotee' temple goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to the Temple . 'I've gone for 30 years now, he wrote, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 mantras. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Gurus are wasting theirs by giving services at all.

This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the editor.. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this... They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to the Temple for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today! When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!

UNDERSTANDING MYSELF THRU MY BELIEFS......

Life has gone by, looking for answers, seeking peace, living up to expectations, trying to do the right thing... …I have always been bound by somebody’s wisdom, their theory, their belief, their opinion…making my life a mimicry of the ones who touched my life.
I am always trying to be the person I’d like to be, never taking a moment to wonder to think the person I am, who too was born with my brain, along with the face God gave me, wanting me to live my life the way I chose..

There is always a desire, to be in charge of myself, to be my own person. To discover am I more than I realize? One life is all I have. I believe in living it.
Before anyone else tells me who am I, I need to find out for myself. I need to see myself thru my own eyes than thru others. I do need to discover myself, take my life in my own hands and see what happens. So I shall try to discover myself thru My Beliefs…and shall pen them ….

Today…. My Beliefs on My God, My Religion….

I live life with God in every thought. He has no shape, no face, no Religion. He is there in nature, in all Human Beings. When I see Good I know He is there, when I see Bad and Evil, I know He shall come this way too.

My Religion is personal; it is a way of my life. Yet, becaz my religious experiences are in the form of liberty, faith, generosity, passion, compassion it is easier to express.

Religion to me teaches me to connect with my soul, that’s where My God resides. He is my inner voice, who guides me towards goodness and Righteousness.

My God always rewards me. There is no punishment. When ever I face any darkness in life, He rewards me with Brightness. Light at the end of a dark tunnel, is what My God holds.

My religion encourages me to Grow, so I question, and not adopt to any rationale blindly. With each perspective, I grow in vision and stature. It allows me to respect the views of others how ever different are they to mine.

My religion is always changing shapes, evolving, modifying, never complete or final. My religion and self grow together.

My religion is the recognition of all my duties. I may fail in them, but I never ignore them.

My God is my mysterious motivator. He encourages me to discover the best in the Today that he bestows on me.

My God is more devoted to me than I am to Him. He looks after not only me, but my family and friends. His hand is invisible, yet strong.

My Religion, My God, both reside within me. I do not need to discover them in Temples, Church, and Gurudwara etc.
They reside in my heart and my brain. What I cannot resolve with my brain, I resolve with my heart. They encourage me to love myself first, so that I can love everything and every one around me.
My Religion, My God is not lived through my words, but through my Life.

HEART VS HEAD

My husband often tells me…Why do you think with your heart? Think with your head. Do not turn it into an emotional issue.’ And Now, my daughter tells me the same…’Ma, why do you always think with your heart? Their tone sometimes makes me feel guilty……all for being emotional? This heart vs. head battle is never ending in my house.

It’s not my Menopause that makes me all emotional…This Is Me. The facts of life make me all emotional….and sometimes I express them through my words, but at other times through my sighs, sounds, and mostly through my eyes, which get misty, teary, blurred.

My emotions are always very close to the surface. Is it because I think with my heart? - an organ that just pumps blood. If the heart is the core of human existence. , why do we give it less importance than the head? I think, express, emote, perceive all with my heart. My heart is never in sync with my head

So many times I have seen in life, what my head does not understand, my heart does. It does not ask for logic, analysis…it just understands. The spoken and the unspoken. And then I just act on what it says, sometime impulsively to others, but to me it makes complete sense and sounds right. I let my heart lead the way.

Why are emotions or feelings from the heart not considered logical? What is so ridiculous about thinking from the heart ? The solutions that the heart gives may not always have reasons, but it always does have actions, and more so positive. Because this is where care, pride, joy, love, gratitude nest. And these emotions exist noiselessly….. so quietly they grow with every heartbeat. They swing, swirl and tangle within the heart. The degree of these emotions cannot be measured like the knowledge of the head, but they help in creating the world around me. Only the thoughts from the heart can stir emotions which the head never can.

So Dear Husband and Dear Daughter, I think with my heart because….

My head can confuse me, but my heart never lies to me
My head can hide facts, but my heart exposes them.
My head governs my soul, but my heart connects to it.
My head may know too much, but my heart feels it all.
My head can get all hard, but my heart forever stays soft.
My head can build up words, but it is my heart that phrases them
My head can make me see all, but only the best is captured by my heart.
My head can sometimes make enemies, but my heart always makes friends.
My head can sometimes miss out on Love, but my heart forever conserves it.

Above all…..

My head can only capture images of you my most loved, but my Heart is where you live. While my head constantly worries for you, my heart silently prays. My head measures the distance in kms. between us, but my heart only sees the bridges, giving me the feeling of Oneness.
So my dears, I can ignore the reasoning of the head, but never the feelings of my heart. Yes, I think with my heart not my head…..it causes no discomfort. For me the feeling of my heart is the existence of my being.

THE POWER OF WHY ??????

I am sitting in my balcony, watching the thunder showers, the palm trees swaying and feeling the drizzle on my face. I am letting all the beauty of nature sink in, capturing it with my eyes, in my mind. I love the rain, but I hate the mess, it leaves behind, the muddy water, the potholes full of water, the insects , the mosquitoes…..and I tell myself…Why, Why, am I like this, Why can I not look at the brighter side of life, and ignore the dark side. Life is so full of Whys……..and I ask my self...

Why….is it that sometimes, silence makes more noise than Thunder?

Why……do I think faster than I speak? My words never seem to keep up with my thoughts.

Why……do I see some of my friends who are so God fearing, humble, pious suffer?

Why……do I plan my tomorrow, when I try living everyday as my last?

Why……can I not take each day as it comes?

Why…….do I struggle to understand life in parts, when it must be understood in totality?

Why…….can I not be loved as I have loved?

Why……I love compliments, but do not know how to accept them?

Why……do I not accept things for what they are?

Why..do I see things more clearly in my dreams, than when I am awake?

Why… do I want to know all, when ignorance is bliss?

Why… do I get baffled by reality and difficulties?

Why….do I spoil what I have, by desiring what I do not?

Why…..do I look back on life and have regrets?

This constant hankering of Why is ridiculous. The more I seek for answers the more elusive it gets. Strange and paradoxical it is…..the heart asks and the heart answers. but why do I not get the right answers .Maybe, if I changed my attitude, I would view life differently ?

DANCE WITH ME ???

With encouragement from Solilo, Just call me A.....Here I am, trying my hand at my so called poetry sgain...Like A said...Aim for the sky , here I am ....doing just that.


Sing and Dance with Me….
Will You?
Together we shall sway
To the tunes life plays

Me and You
Hand in hand,
Making life seem
Nothing But Grand

I shall be unselfish and Kind
And you forever shall share
All that’s there, on your mind.

Sharing Together we shall
Walk thru life,
You as My Man and
Me as Your Wife.

Dancing to each others tune,
We shall create a life
Filled with Love,
And Heavens shall smile
From above.

EMPTY NEST...............NOSTALGIA

Living in an empty nest, sometimes my mind does drift on to the days when we had our house full, the days would fly away, what with my daughter and son around…where did the years go? How did time fly away so fast? I never saw the hidden wings of time and neither did I see the kids grow up to be adults.
While they were there, all the noise in the house would drive me mad…..and now when they are settled in their own happy lives and world…it’s the silence that drives me mad.

I miss the times when my now adult kids were kids, children living in their own free world. enriching my life, turning my smile into laughter. With them around besides being the parent I was also the child…..

Those were the days….I get nostalgic….
I remember the times, when I would take them to the park, in the merry go round, they would always wave when they crossed me, and I would always wave back…the sense of being acknowledged every time, was so momentous…My body was with me, but my heart was on that merry go round…..

And the piggy back rides….I was glad they grew up, for this ….and then I realized to my horror my 5 year old son wanted to take me piggy back…so there I was trailing on his shoulders, my arms around him, my legs dragging slowly, me all smiles and then he turned around and said the cutest thing……’’Mumma you are not heavy, I can carry you forever’’…

My little boy who till now I loved to carry around was getting to be grown up enough to shoulder me and the world….Happiness and joy soon was taken over by tears…My daughter watching me cry, just came and sat next to me and put her hand over mine…and I cried even more. When I looked at her, she patted my hand and said ….”Okay enough, now Go wash your face”

And then we had to teach them to ride a bicycle…..I wanted to protect them from the fall, so would always hold on to the bicycle and keep balancing …Till my wiser ones said … ‘But mumma, we have to be set free to learn to balance ourselves.’ One of those teary moments again, with the realization…that they shall forever need the support, but also the freedom.

Playing hide and seek was my favorite game, that gave me minutes to rest, unseen , in my quiet corner, so there I was behind the door standing with my eyes shut, and my daughter finds me, and says… “Why stand in a corner, if it scares you? Come hide behind the sofa.”

And the one time they were quarrelling ….I said “okay now”…my daughter interrupts and says … “yes, we will stop before you say 3”……She was an angel, who came out with questions , that made me fumble, and mumble…Everyday at the end of the day she would sum me up as mother…something I looked forward to, one day would end with me being the scolding mum, and the other day she would tell me you were a kissing mum today…..and one day she said Today you have been a scoldy kissy mum…I cherish this Compliment from my little one, who is now managing her own little one.

One time during the day, my little son had his pudgy arms behind his head, and he was just resting in that regal posture of his, with a very content look, which only kids can have. I walked past and asked him, ‘what are you up to….Mumma I am day dreaming’’ Dreaming with eyes open? I asked. ‘Yes mumma, it is day, so my eyes are open. You can do that too, sit here with me…..Wow, my son taught me, to dream with my eyes open…..and this realization was followed with another teary moment.


My faith in my son has remained unchallenged. He tells me...Mumma do not think I am simple and naïve, because you will get hurt otherwise……. [And I look at the handsome young man standing in front of me and think to my self…..My son , raising you has been most fulfilling, with you I played the games I never was allowed to as a girl, I being a woman lived your ideas, ambitions and aspirations…and stepped out into a man’s mind, his world…… All I did then was get up and give him my big mumma hug…only this time he was embarrassed……Yes, my son was grown up enough to feel shy with mumma hugs.


My little lady is a mother herself. She shares the squeals of her daughter with me and mine are mixed with hers too, making me happier than ever. My little girl, my gender partner, my treasure, my extension has grown up to be my best friend.....We are like two volumes of the same book……..

All this and many more, I have deposits in my memory bank. The kids have outgrown my lap, but not my heart. They say they are grown up….Yes, they have grown older, bigger, they are adults…..but they have always been my kids, and will be my kids. They were and are my greatest pride, accomplishment and joy.


The nest is empty, but the heart is full. And the mind, it is never empty; I am never alone in my thoughts. I love them for who they are and more so for what they have grown to be. We are chained with love…..only our language differs…it’s a full circle…. Now they speak from their mind and I from my heart. I cannot hold them in my arms now, but in my heart I always do.

YOU AND ME

The days have gone by, and I have not been feeling too well.
Got up this morning, wanting to try my hand at poetry....The words came, all jumbled, Is it the medicines, or is it the fatigue I feel in my bones...but I did try to pen.....MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT POETRY, if it is one



Lying on my bed,
I stare at the ceiling,
The fan moving at its own pace
Never tiring…….

My sweat I do not feel
Eyelids drop
And I see you
Thru my blurred vision.

You stand there
Looking at me, smiling
Oh that smile, just meant for me

I close my eyes,
Wanting to capture you in them forever
And all I know is that it is just
You and Me, Together

I see us walking on the beach,
Our feet wet in the sand,
We watch the sunset, hand in hand

The sea breeze,
Sends chills down my spine
I am so glad you are mine

I open my eyes,
To see your gentle look
It’s all but a dream….
That I mistook………..

Living My Today.........

I woke up this morning; Today……wanting not to repeat the same mistake as Yesterday………..so I decided to capture my Today , moment to moment., accept it as now, and not let any moment pass by.

Like I did it to my Yesterday, I decided not to devote it to any one thing …and so here I am ….all happy, not holding on to any dream, thanking God that I am alive to see my Today, with open eyes, something I rarely seem to do. I shall hold on to my Today with enthusiasm, living it with my best foot forward. Today……I will flow with the tide. Or against it…dancing with it….and see which way my Today sweeps me…..

I am going to treat my Today as the first day of my life…and maybe then I shall make the most of it for once, than letting it slip out of my hands, like I always have done.

Are these thoughts because of my Yesterday? A yesterday that went by and I did not even seem to notice. Will wanting to live my Today, contradict my Yesterday? Oh well I am not going to let my Yesterday, takeover my Today. …so beyond Today I am not going to look, and not loose it just because I have a yesterday, and tomorrow is coming.

Thinking of the unseen tomorrow,I get the blues. And I tend to get depressed when I think of Yesterday, gone by... I have spent life piling up so much on these two days, thus neglecting my Today. These two days together, have some how sapped my poor Today of its joys. And I have helplessly, unknowingly stood by letting my Today die, fly away with its unseen wings.

My Today is going to be my canvas, and I shall paint it with all the hues I hold. It shall live, for as long as I want it to, and so shall I with it…….