Wednesday, June 24, 2009


The last month has been a difficult one. A very dear friend lost her 22 year old son in a freaky road accident. Logically thinking about the way the accident happened, confirms only one thing, that he was destined to go, his time sadly was up.

Even though grieving for the loss with my friend, I can think rationally, resist tears, behave well socially…but when my friend questions why…I sadly have no right answers. All I do then is be with her sometimes letting my silence be her strength hopefully and some times sharing our sorrow with words….knowing all this is inadequate.

Since her grief is so fresh, any attempt to divert her I notice only irritates her….In her sorrow at times I feel totally incompetent.
And then I sit there, with my own mind busier than ever, telling myself…..Death of a dear one, surely does leave a heartache no one can heal….But then mourning for a loved one, surely is not the end of a relationship, their absence is met every living moment. We go from loving them in presence, to loving them even more in absence.

Khalil Gibran has so rightly said….When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. The truth in this one statement makes so much sense. We embrace the memories of our lost loved ones so closely to our heart that we forget to embrace the ones alive.

We are all brought up knowing that the time of Birth and Death is not predicted. One who is born has to go…yet when the time so comes, we cannot even accept the fact, that the person we cannot live without has passed away…and we cling on further to our loss, turning our grief into our lasting companion.

Her strongest wish, urge, need everyday is to be able to hug her son , one last time…looking at her, empathizing with her, I wish…Death could be adjusted…But then life always does not offer a perfect ending………how can it when it does not have a clear beginning. Is life not about not knowing what is going to happen next?


Piper .. said...

Poonam Mam, my sincerest condolences! You`re right. It`s the unpredictability as much as the finality that makes death so scary and difficult to deal with.
Sometimes its a little awkward for friends and family because they dont knnow how to react in such situations. I guess you`ve got the right take on this. Just sticking around makes a huge difference. Trying to distract someone away from the thoughts of the loved one, can cause immense amount of irritation as you mentioned. I know it from personal experience. Then again, just avoiding to call for lack of ideas as to how to deal with the person, causes immense heartache and bitterness too.
I for one, am very bitter against the G`s family suddenly, although I shared a near-perfect relationship with them otherwise. But after Dad passed away, except for being there on the day of the funeral, not one amongst them bothered to call or email. Not me. Not my mother.
So I`m happy you`re there for your friend. Its healing, believe me, to have some support, some comfort around..

Anonymous said...

i feel at such a loss, have no words to express the effect ur post had.
i cant even begin to imagine what ur friend or u must be going through. i can emphathise with the urge to be able to reach out and hug the lost ones one more time. everyday i feel that urge......
i have realised though that with time, the happy times and the love you felt for that person seems to grow bigger than the loss and emptiness and it becomes easier to get out of bed.....

Just call me 'A' said...

i'm so sorry to hear this Poonam. my prayers for the family.
i'm am a believer of if it's time, it will happen....for anything.
...and i've seen it's more on death that this seems to ring true. we hear so often about fatal accidents and the person coming through with a scratch or with minor injuriers and then again of simply accidents that claim a life.
i wish death could be adjusted too. sigh!

Anonymous said...


may god grant them peace of mind....

N said...

Poonam ji, sorry to hear about this.
At such times man feels so helpless and a vacuum that cannot be filled with any words..
A last hug wold have been tougher, i guess

Solilo said...

Poonam ji, {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}

This is tough. The shock is toughest!

Sometimes words fail but you being there is what best friends do. There are many with us at happy times, it is times like this when one needs a shoulder and one learns who will really be there for them in the times of need.

You are a nice soul.

Ashwadhy said...

May his sould rest in peace. I don't think, the loss of a loved one can get any easy. It is just worse for the first few months or even years. Praying that your friends finds strength and peace in her memories. God bless!

shashi said...

as kRiShNa says in gItA -
ashochyAnanvashochastvaM, prGYAvAdanshcha bhAShase |
gatAsoonagatAsoonshcha nAnushochanti paNDitAH || 2-11

ashochyAn anvashochaH tvaM, prGYAvAdan cha bhAShase |
gatAsoon agatAsoon cha na anushochanti paNDitAH || 2-11

i.e. you mourn for those who should not be mourned, and speak like the wise. the wise don't mourn for the ones who have gone or the one who have not gone!

while i understand grief needs to be let out, the great wisdom of our ancestors comes handy precisely at such times (or before)!

we mourn for ourselves that the one we loved has left, and how will WE survive!

thikn of the one who has gone, merged with kRiShNa.

Anonymous said...

My condolences to your friend, though no condolences are enough...

My neighbours lost their twenty six year old son last year, they are beginning to look normal now, but the father's hair has gone totally while, he keeps forgetting, the shock has taken away these years of their lives.

I told them the same thing. That his time was up, and atleast he was in front of them (in a hospital) when he left... but I know how terrible it is to not be bale to say goodbye. I couldn't be with my dad in his last moments, and I think something like this only time can heal. There will be a lot of crying before the healing begins.

Renu said...

I feel so sad to hear a young life gone ! and in a loss like that no logic works, not for some time. I believe in destiny, whatever is to happen will happen any how. But the loss of children is not something which can be understood anytime...its all Kaliyug, IN satyug, no child died before father, its only we who have changed the rules to suffer like this.

Piper .. said...

Poonam Mam, its been so long we`ve had a post from you. How have you been? I have been meaning to write to you.. about lots of little things. BUt somehow never had the time. I shall do it one of these days. Hope you`re keeping fine. Has your granddaughter left? She`s adorable!

How do we know said...

Grieving really is such a helpless state.. a dear friend is grieving the loss of her mother right now.. but at least she knows that her mother lived a full life..

Anil P said...

Beyond a point grief is its own company, seeking meaning in the loss, seeking meaning in surviving the loss!

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